Alcohol. Mankind has had a relationship with it forever. The earliest known historical record of a deliberately made drink, a sort of wine, was from China in around the year 7000 B.C. It’s also a well-known fact that beer was important to the ancient Egyptians, as many tombs had jars of beer in them, and it’s described as being part of the daily ration for those who were building the pyramids.
Our relationship with the sauce may go back even further than ancient China or Egypt. Humans, as a species, are rare among creatures for our ability to metabolize alcohol, but our close relatives in the ape family, chimps, bonobos, and gorillas*, also share this ability. It has been suggested that our pre-human ancestors did, too.
Early hominids, much like apes who cannot legally buy beer until now, most likely waited for things to ferment naturally and then ate or drank them. "Ug, you leave fruit in sun, wait for smell funny, then eat fruit and feel real unga-bunga." This suggests that we have always consumed hooch since the very beginning of our whole species. We have clearly moved past eating rotten fruit and have taken the art of booze-making in some very odd directions. I’m going to cover some of the weirdest types of alcohol people have invented in their quest to tie one on.
Listed in no particular order.
Jeppson’s Malórt
Originating at the hands of a Swedish immigrant to Chicago, who initially sold it for "medicinal use" in the early 20th century, Malört is a liquor flavored with aniseed and wormwood. It’s a modest liquor, at only 35% alcohol by volume (ABV), but the strangeness comes from two things: the fact that it’s pretty much only found in Chicago and the taste. It’s a bitter, herby liquor, and the flavor has been described in such festive ways as "like pencil shavings and heartbreak" or "taking a bite out of a grapefruit and then drinking a shot of gasoline." Despite this, it remains reasonably popular in Chi-town and is, in fact, gaining popularity because of some high-profile appearances in TV shows, though this increase in interest has truly only been inside the city. Next time you’re there, ask for Malört—but be aware of its nature. I might suggest holding your nose.
Yogurito
It’s a liqueur, and it’s made of yogurt. Like many of the world’s odd things, it’s from Japan. Much like the Malört, that’s really the only place it’s consumed. Typically found at about 16% ABV, it’s fairly mild. If you ever wanted to get drunk on yogurt, this is for you. It can be taken straight, but most drinkers of the milky beverage mix it with fruit juice or soda, in kind of a lactose-heavy version of things like screwdrivers and even Moscow mules. According to Suntory, the company which distributes this goo, "Yogurito is made from yogurt and tastes like yogurt but is not yogurt. We cannot say that it’s healthy." No shit. Nothing about this sounds healthy for either mind or body.
Ant Gin
Here’s where we go deeper into the rabbit hole. Ant gin is from Australia and was first produced by the Aboriginal people who dwell there. It is made from the local green ants (Rhytidoponera metallica), which are smushed and mixed with lime and coriander during the distillation process. They leave some on the bottom of the bottle, in a fashion similar to the worm at the bottom of mezcal. Also, much like the mezcal worm, they are edible if you dare. It is 42% ABV, meaning it’s slightly stiffer than your average vodka. "Ant gin martini—shaken, not stirred."
Tuna Tears Sh&oaccent;chu
Another one from Japan, shochu (which is incidentally, along with its Korean cousin Soju which is the same thing, the most popularly sold drink in the world, by volume), is a clear, wine-like spirit weighing in at around 22-25% alcohol. If you have never heard of it, despite it being so popular, that’s okay. It’s made from rice or other grain-based wine, which is then distilled like any old liquor would be. It can be made up to 55% ABV but is usually less than half that percentage. Traditionally served cold, you will find it all over most of Asia, with each country claiming to have invented it. It is also the national drink of Korea (both of the Koreas, from what I gather). What makes this so different? Well, if you go to what is known as a "tuna den" or "tuna house" in Japan, which serves fresh seafood, you can order this drink. It is just your normal shochu, but they squeeze the eyeball fluid from the tuna into your glass of liquor. Mmm, that tuna eye juice goes down smooth...
Smoke
A prohibition-era concoction, wherein folks desperate for a drink would go to clandestine "smoke joints" to get a glass of this cheap and very strong liquor. "What’s so odd about bathtub hooch?" you might ask, and here we go: smoke was made of pure wood alcohol, which is not the kind our biology can process well. It’s made by distilling wood chips and water and makes for great fuel, but you should not drink it. Deaths from the consumption of smoke were about one person per day, and that was just in the Bowery neighborhood of New York City, where they were actively tracking the stats. It’s assumed that there were far, far more across the land as smoke gained popularity. The government—in their infinite wisdom—thought that people who heard of the dangers of illegal booze would simply stay away. quot;Just say no.quot; Take a guess how that one turned out. At 10 cents a glass, it was the working man’s way to get hosed illegally after work, and risks be damned!
Horse Milk Wine
Known locally on the steppes of Mongolia as "airag" or "koumiss," it’s a wine made from the milk of a horse. To even obtain horse milk, you have to trick the mare into thinking a foal is trying to nurse. You apparently can’t just grab and squeeze them fat teats and get a bucket like you can with cows. Supposedly tasting like champagne mixed with sour cream, it weighs in light at only 3-5% ABV. This means you could drink that sweet horse juice all day and still be good, so bottoms up.
Squirrel Beer
A Scottish brewing company known as BrewDog had crowdfunded a campaign to erect a new brewery in Columbus, Ohio, of all places. They met their goals, and contributors over a certain amount received a special gift: a bottle of blonde Belgian ale infused with juniper berries and Scottish nettles. Not so odd, you might think, but here’s the kicker: the bottle contains beer of a whopping 55% ABV, which makes it much stronger than even most whiskeys, and it is wrapped in a taxidermied squirrel, which is typically bedecked in a silly, bespoke outfit. The only problem—should you wish to get some—is that they are reserved for those who invest more than $20,000 in their company. That said, you also get a lifetime 20% discount on all their products, should you cough up that kind of dough. The brew is called "The End of History" and is the world’s strongest beer.
Gilpin Family Whiskey
I know what you’re thinking at this point..."So what’s the weird thing about this whiskey?" Well, it’s a full-bodied English-style whiskey, which has a smooth taste and is made from the urine of elderly people with diabetes. Yup, diabetic pee whiskey. They harvested the urine of elderly type 1 diabetics, ostensibly to raise awareness of diabetes and its societal impact, then made it into whiskey. The idea being that people with diabetes excrete a lot of sugar they do not metabolize, and this would make fertile ground for a good whiskey. Should you be able to obtain some, as they only do limited-run batches from Britain, it comes with the name of the urine donor on the bottle. This gives the UK expression "having a piss-up" a truly double-edged meaning.
That concludes our list. There are many, many strange liquors and drinks out there, but these are some of the most bizarre I could find. Given the drinking holidays this month, most people will just be consuming regular old beer, wine, and liquors, but let it be known to explorers in the further reaches of experience that there are things out there that defy the norm and are available to those who would dare try them. Except smoke. Don’t try that one.
Drink well and be well!
-Wombstretcha
*I would totally drink beers with a chimp, bonobo, or go-rilla, so if anyone knows one, hit me up.
Wombstretcha the Magnificent is a pee bottle collector, horse milker, squirrel imbiber, writer, and retired rapper from Portland, OR. He can be found at Wombstretcha.com, on Twitter as @Wombstretcha503 and on Facebook (boo!) and MeWe (yay!) as "Wombstretcha The Magniflcent."
