I mentioned in last month’s article that I really enjoy having friendly interactions with my customers. The problem is, I’ve been noticing that a lot of customers lately are doing their level best to make that as difficult as possible. Some of you might be new to strip clubs, and nobody ever explained the rules to you. Others have been going for years and have just gotten way too comfortable with not following those rules. Or you think you’re special, and the rules just don’t apply to you. Whichever case may apply, Exotic magazine has so kindly granted me a city-wide platform (and beyond), so this month and next (I’ve got too much to squish into a single month), I’m gonna use that platform to set all you motherfuckers straight. Let’s dig into how you can behave when you go to a strip club to avoid finding yourself on a bouncer’s bad side—especially mine.
If you aren’t planning to do strip club shit, don’t go to a fucking strip club. Alcohol and video lottery machines are there to add to your enjoyment, but if that’s all you’re there for, I can recommend plenty of great bars that provide those amenities without burdening you with the expectation of tipping strippers. Dancers are hired as independent contractors. The clubs don’t pay them; the only money they make is from stage tips and selling lap dances. In fact, when you figure in stage fees and tip-outs, a slow enough night can leave a dancer with less money than she brought in. Don’t be the asshole who expects them to entertain you for free. See, there’s a reason you’ve chosen to go to a strip club rather than some dive bar. You can’t have your cake and eat it too. Tip the dancers or go somewhere else. Let me assure you, the bouncer isn’t going to have your back on this. Our dancers tip us out at the end of the night—if they aren’t making money, neither are we. You don’t have to come in and make it rain, blowing entire paychecks at a time in the process (although that is always welcome)! A dollar a song for an hour is only $36. Do that one thing. Everybody, no matter if you’re sitting at the bar, the lottery machines, or wherever, do that one thing. Tip a dollar or two for every song. You’ll quickly see a change in the atmosphere of the club. Dancers who were sullen, bored, or perhaps even resentful of your presence will start having a good time, which means everyone else will too. I’ve had dancers I’ve worked with tell me in no uncertain terms that they’d rather chill in an empty club than try to entertain a room full of non-tipping deadbeats. Are you a deadbeat? No? Fucking prove it.
Depending on the club, there might be some allowance for touching in a private dance—within certain boundaries. Out on the floor, again depending on the club, some touching might be allowed—if the dancer consents. On the other hand, no matter what club you go to, trying to shove a finger, or worse, a dollar bill (fucking disgusting, dude—do you have any idea how dirty money actually is?), or for that matter, any object or bodily appendage into any part of a dancer...that’s sexual assault. I’m "this" close at this point to making customers who do this shit leave without the offending digit. Start casting dismembered fingers or dicks in resin and giving them to the dancer who was assaulted as a token of some semblance of justice. Eye for an eye on this one; I don’t give a fuck.
Listen. If you and your significant other are at the club together and the sight of a stripper flirting with said significant other (a.k.a. doing her job at the place where she works, which the two of you chose to visit) is making you feel some kind of way, maybe it’s time to re-evaluate some things. Have a chat with that significant other about expectations and boundaries within your relationship. If your person still doesn’t respect those boundaries, maybe it’s time to make some changes. Maybe think about breaking up, or going to the strip club separately. Or...I dunno...I guess bury your head in the sand and ignore the toxic-ass relationship you’re in. Whatever you do, start internalizing right fucking now that whatever issues you have in your relationship have exactly nothing to do with the dancer/customer relationship. If your significant other is going to cheat on you, it’s not going to happen at the strip club. Your relationship problems are purely between you and your partner, and it’s your own goddamn fault if you refuse to address those problems. Don’t try to drag everyone else into your bullshit drama. We’re doing our jobs. Jealousy doesn’t fly at the strip club.
Every time someone tries to not pay for a dance, it’s always the same. A motherfucker gets really drunk, and somehow the booze convinces him that services rendered no longer require compensation. They channel Jerry Seinfeld’s take on receiving the check at the end of the meal. "Then after the meal, you know, you got your pants open, you got the napkins destroyed, cigarette butt in the mashed potatoes. Then the check comes at that moment. People are always upset, you know? We’re not hungry now....why are we buying all this food?’" The lap dance ends, and suddenly the dude starts questioning why he should pay for that dance. He already enjoyed himself at this point. The fun part is over. Quick aside. Dancers. I’m talking to you for a sec. Get. The. Fuckin’. Cash. Upfront. Don’t give a customer a dance until you’ve collected the money for that dance. They can’t try to back out of paying afterward if they have to pay beforehand. That said, shit happens, and when it does, just know I’m 3-for-3 on collecting money owed. Dancers, I promise you, and customers, I warn you, I don’t intend to break a perfect streak like that.
Okay. If you’re already behaving yourself when it comes to the things I’ve just mentioned, I want to say thank you. Good customers are the lifeblood of a strip club, and those of us who work in the industry appreciate you. If you’re not, think about what I’ve said and really consider whether you want to wear out your welcome at your favorite club. If you haven’t been 86’d yet (yet!), it’s not too late to turn things around for yourself. If you have, find a new club, take my advice, and use that fresh start as an opportunity to do better. I’ll be back next month with more tips on how to behave yourself—or at least avoid getting banned...
Nate Hazen is a bouncer at X Exotic Lounge. He’ll readily kick you out if you’re misbehaving, but he’d rather not. He’d much rather have a friendly conversation with you. That said, the choice is yours.
