Last year, I dedicated a few issues of my column to outlining out how you should behave in a strip club. This month, I’m going to take it in a slightly different direction. Look, I know full well that people are doing cocaine in the club, and as a bouncer, I’m going to tell you don’t do it. If I catch you, I have to do something about it, and neither of us wants that, right? Well, never fear, Dear Readers, because if you follow this handy dandy guide that I’ve composed for you, I’ll be none the wiser to your participation in the "Winter Olympics," if you know what I mean—and that’s better for both of us! Think of it like Schrödinger’s dumbass cat, who can’t decide whether it’s alive or dead until you open the box to look at it; if I don’t catch you doing coke, did you even do it?
Want to venture a guess as to the one place in a club that isn’t going to have security cameras? Doing blow out in the open is just a dumb idea. Take it to the goddamn bathroom. I’ve got more important things to do on the job than to barge in on people in the bathroom every few minutes to make sure none of them are snorting the devil’s dandruff. Out of sight, out of mind, people.
Okay, so you’re getting wise and heading to the bathroom to powder your nose. Smart move. Problem is, you’ve got five of your besties in tow, and six people mobbing it to a bathroom that only has two toilets is every bit as inconspicuous as a cattle stampede. The bathroom isn’t that big, dumb dumb. Onesies and twosies, no more. Three’s a crowd if you’re trying not to get caught.
Now that you’re on the buddy system and you and your buddy have had the chance to perk up, it’s time to hand off the bag so your other friends have a chance to do some, too. Don’t just hand them the bag. Be stealthy about it. Conceal the bag; fold it up inside a dollar bill, put it inside a cigarette pack or an Altoids tin (as a bonus, the Altoids tin will infuse your drugs with a Curiously Strong Mint smell that’ll keep your sinuses nice and clear!)—or anything else that doesn’t look out of place when you hand it off to your friends. Or you can use a little sleight of hand to distract from the handoff. Whatever you do, make it unlikely that anyone else sees the exchange.
The South American nose tango should be a very short dance. The longer you’re in the bathroom, the more you increase your likelihood of getting caught. I do have to use the bathroom once in a while, too, you know?! One way you can prepare, in order to save some time, is to crush up your coke ahead of time, if you can. Most of you are going to buy once you’re out, but if you already have it before you leave home for the night, crush it up at home so you’re not taking up a bunch of time doing it in the bathroom.
Speaking of saving time, consider doing bumps rather than lines. It’s faster and reduces the possibility of dropping your phone on a dirty bathroom floor and spilling your shit everywhere. True, a key bump is much smaller than the line you would prefer to do, but there are other options. You can easily find purpose-made bump spoons online that can scoop out a line’s worth to enable a line-sized bump.
If you’re all jittery and grinding your teeth while you’re talking to someone, there’s a good chance that person knows what you’re up to. Slow down. You have all night to finish that bag; you don’t need to polish off an eight ball inside an hour. Shit, you probably don’t need to polish off an eight ball in one night. You’re not only showing your hand when you go too hard too fast, you’re also risking an overdose (more on that in a bit). Slow and steady wins the race, bud. Come to think of it, maybe you should just use your keys after all.
Once you’ve completed your top-secret snow commando mission, it’s best to make sure it stays top-secret, a prospect that calls for mop-up operations to eliminate evidence. Perhaps the most commonly overlooked evidence I see is the nose. It’s simple; you’re hoovering drugs up your schnoz, so it follows that you’ll need to make sure you don’t leave any of said drugs visible in, on, or around said schnoz. Before you leave the bathroom, ask your buddy (if you’re using the buddy system), look in the mirror, or use your phone’s front-facing camera. A quick wipe-down with a wet paper towel should take care of any residue that would otherwise betray your illicit activities.
If you ignore everything else I’ve said here, at least pay attention to this section. Please? It’s important. We’ve lost entirely too many among our ranks to overdose. Portland, especially, is in the midst of an insidious epidemic; fentanyl has its grimy little claws dug in deep, and just because you’re not a foil smoker doesn’t mean you’re not at risk. If you’re doing blow, you are. So, what can you do to reduce that risk? For starters, buy your nose beers from a trusted source. It’s better to spend a little more from someone you know for sure isn’t cutting their product with fentanyl. That cheaper gram may be enticing, but if it’s from some sketchy dude you don’t know, the money you’ve saved might end up very much not worth it. Either way, you’d do well to test your drugs with fentanyl test strips so you know for sure the stuff you have is clean. Finally, it’s never a bad idea to carry some Narcan with you if you’re doing the booger sugar as a last resort. If there is fentanyl mixed in and you start to overdose, Narcan might just save your life.
If you don’t know where to obtain testing supplies or Narcan, never fear. Some amazing dancers I’ve worked with have provided me with some likewise amazing resources for me to share with you now. Check out DanceSafe.org for testing supplies and NextDistro.org for Narcan. ProjectredInitiative.org and @naloxonesfavoriteth0t on Instagram are some other great places to check for education and resources. My club has several Narcan doses in our first aid kit, so if you or a friend find yourselves in the unenviable position of experiencing symptoms of overdose, you should absolutely ask. Better you survive and probably get kicked out for the night afterward (a temporary problem) than to keep your mouth shut and wind up taking a dirt nap (a permanent one).
A few parting thoughts: First, if you decide to do lines rather than bumps, don’t do them through bills smaller than a twenty—especially singles. In a strip club, the smaller the bill, the more likely it is to have been in contact with someone’s butthole, and you just don’t want to risk that kind of sinus infection. Second, and this is maybe the most important tip to avoid getting caught, be a good customer. If you’re doing that, if you’re coming into my club and tipping my dancers and bartenders, if you’re being respectful and otherwise acting in a way that makes me, my bartenders, and my dancers want you to stick around, I’m going to be far less likely to catch you in the act, than if you’re being a creepy, disrespectful cheapskate.
Nate Hazen is a bouncer, war vet, and lover of people who has consumed his fair share of the ol’ Peruvian gunpowder in his day and just wants you to be both safe and sneaky.
