Mankind’s entire history is predicated on our ability to learn and use tools, make discoveries, and use our comparatively powerful intellects to solve problems.
Many times, a new device is invented to make our lives easier, from the simple stone axe, which meant not having to beat your lunch to death with your fists before eating it, to the modern mobile phone, which looks up anything we can think of, tells us how to get places, and lets you redeem those really weird gifts from T-Mobile on Tuesdays. Sometimes, though, we as humans go a bit astray when we put our brains to the task of creating problem-solving devices and end up with some very strange things. I’ll look through history and pull out some of the most unique items we have ever invented.
Listed in no particular ranked order.
Neither a dyna nor a sphere. Think about a tire, a very large tire, something on the order of twelve feet tall, which you sit inside of and drive. Yes, just one big one. Now, this isn’t that foolish of a concept for the time it came from, the 1930s, as roads and cars and all that were still in their infancy. The seat you sit in, inside the giant tire, was gyro-stabilized, much like those Segway scooters, so you’re not simply getting flipped around every time you stop while a motor drives the big tire around you. But how do you see? Well, it had a cage-like outer wheel, which allowed you a way to observe where you were going...sorta. It was not popular and did not catch on at all. Gosh, I wonder why. That said, I kinda wish it had because driving one of those beasts seems like it would be incredibly fun.
This one dates back to the early 20th century and was basically a rubber face mask for ladies. The thing was also known as the "toilet mask" for some reason, perhaps because it was applied in the restroom? Research is inconclusive on this, but if I saw a product for ladies called a "toilet mask," I’d assume it was to make sure they could adequately use the can without trauma after someone like me had been in it following Taco Tuesday. It was supposed to be used for the purpose of keeping your skin free of wrinkles and so forth. It looked like if the "Halloween" murderer, Michael Myers, was a lady, and he wore a mask that looked like a lady’s face. Quite creepy. These were a trend for some time, but the materials of their construction, namely asbestos and lead, weren’t exactly so beneficial to the health of the wearer. They fell out of favor after far more time than they should have.
Okay, I get it. It’s a ridiculous thing, but deliberately so. It will put a selfie (or any photo, really) and burn it onto your toast. The caveat being that you have to send the selfie to the Vermont Novelty Toaster Company (I like company names that describe exactly what they do; fuck you, Unilever, you do not make a single lever), and it is not interchangeable. One photo. One. That said, once the good people there make the custom toast plate with your face on it, you will have perfect face toast every time. Let’s hope you don’t get into some kind of disfiguring accident, or you’ll need a new toaster.
As they say, everyone is always trying to build a better mousetrap, that the world might beat a path to their door. Well, in 1888, a fellow by the name of J. A. Williams of Texas decided to do things Texas-style and invented a mousetrap, which quite literally involved strapping in a Colt revolver and setting it to be triggered by a pressure plate. Mouse, rat, mole, mailman, or whatever, you step on that and get smoked. Blam! Problem solved. It seems largely impractical (apart from the safety concerns) by the fact that leaving an expensive gun (guns were very expensive then and still are now) out in the elements would ruin it in no time. Then, the rats win.
Now, there’s a lot of talk about this one. It’s widely regarded as either the worst decision the company could have made or the most significantly devious marketing strategy ever. Think about it: they took out a hundred-year-old gold standard product when sales were slouching in the early ’80s and replaced it with something universally hated. Being a fellow of a certain age, I have had New Coke, and I didn’t think it was that bad, but it wasn’t The Real Thing™—I can see why it was hated. That said, when they later brought back Regular Coke, they had voluminous sales. Insanity or genius? You decide.
This sounds like something you’d use to trim the body hair of a fat guy, but this is not the case. In fact, it was a device invented in the late 1800s by an unknown British printmaker for the purpose of shaving a dozen men at once. No, not entirely shaved. It’s not shaving them head-to-toe or anything, but it shaved beards and mustaches, apparently 12 at once. Can you imagine, fellas, being strapped in (yes, they strap you in) and being shaved by a machine next to a line of 11 other guys? This was a product of a time when beards and mustaches were out of fashion, and obviously, home trimmers weren’t available, so people went to the barber for a shave. "Hey, Mr. Barber, I could use a shave." "Buckle in with the other 11 guys. You’re goin’ for a ride!" "Wait, what?"
Alright, just given the heading, you might be thinking I’m exaggerating for effect, but I am not. This was a literal cage, which you hang out the window of your apartment and stick that baby in there. This was invented in the early 1900s by one Mrs. Lafferty, citing that babies need fresh air and sunshine, even if their parents live in tenements or apartments. Not a terrible idea, but the solution was to just build a box that fits in the window of your apartment building, which resembles an oversized hamster cage, and toss your little one in there. It’s good for them. No word on whether there was a little feeder bottle in there with water for them to drink. Also, yes, this was a real thing, but was not well-regarded, as most mothers wouldn’t quite be okay with hanging their babies out of a window in a thin metal-grid enclosure.
Enjoy your New Year, and please, don’t stick your babies in cages out the window of your apartment.
-Wombstretcha
Wombstretcha the Magnificent is a one-wheel driver, face glover, baby cager, writer, and retired rapper from Portland, OR. He can be found at his website, Wombstretcha.com, on Twitter as @wombstretcha503, and on MeWe and Facebook as "Wombstretcha the Magnificent."
