I'm sure we've all heard the old saying: "You catch more flies with honey than with vinegar." I always wondered if the character Renfield in Bram Stoker's novel Dracula was aware of that particular proverb. But I digress. The meaning of this adage is that you're much more likely to get what you want by not being a huge gaping asshole. Through the course of my security career, I’ve found this to be true. The times I’ve approached a security situation by attempting to connect with somebody and caring about where they’re coming from have almost universally brought about the most satisfying and satisfactory outcomes possible. Let me tell you about a few of those times.
I had to remove a customer from the club one night after his behavior and overall vibe made a couple of dancers uncomfortable. For the next several hours, the guy walked by numerous times, his eyes glaring poison-tipped daggers into me each time he passed. Eventually, I decided to talk to him. I told him I didn't think he was actually angry with me, and I guessed that there was something bigger going on with him. I asked if he wanted to talk about it. Like magic, all the tension between us evaporated, and the guy opened up to me. Hearing about the troubles he was having in his personal life, it occurred to me that I'd probably be pretty angry, too, had I been in his shoes. He remarked that I was the only person who had bothered to find out why he was upset. In doing so, I became someone to him other than the recipient of his anger. By the end of our conversation, he asked me for a hug, which I was more than happy to give him. What can I say? I'm a hugger.
Another incident involved a dancer I had previously worked with. She came to the club for drinks, and after an hour or so, she ended up in a verbal altercation with a male customer. My bartender informed me that the woman was going through some shit and that mental health was a variable in the equation. The woman left the club immediately but remained on the block, where she became confrontational towards random men walking by. As she became increasingly agitated, I did my best to discourage these men from letting their fragile male egos take the bait, a prospect certain to make things worse. I spoke with her. Encouraged her to focus on me instead of the men walking by. Although she and I didn't know each other all that well, we had worked together before, establishing at least some baseline level of rapport between us. I was a protector, and I was trying to help. I was the only man in sight that she wasn't trying to fight; she trusted me.
Unfortunately, later in the night, she had become convinced that my bartender, who had been trying to help her earlier, was now her mortal enemy. She left the area, and when she returned sometime after closing, she had weapons, which she was determined to use on said bartender. I was left with no choice but to place myself between the woman and the friend/coworker she was attempting to harm. The trust she had in me still held, and she made no attempt to use the weapons on me. I managed to remain a human demilitarized zone long enough that a police vehicle happened to pass by, which we were able to flag down for help. The cops stepped in, giving us the chance to leave the area safely. I hope things get better for her. Mental health is a real motherfucker.
More recently, my friend Anya and I were in my car after closing up X Exotic Lounge for the night, and while we sat there shooting the shit, we noticed a commotion on the street near where we were parked. A woman was trying to pull her car out from her parking spot, which she was unable to do because a slightly crazed-looking barefoot man was standing in front of her car, refusing to move, as she yelled at him to get out of her way. This went on long enough that I decided to step in. Okay, truth be told, it's entirelypossible that I'm understating a bit when I say I "stepped in." This dude seemed a bit crazed, so I decided to act a bit crazed my damn self. I drew my trusty Ka-Bar knife, which I've nicknamed the "people opener," and strode in the guy's direction with some fuckin' purpose in my steps while shouting at him to get the fuck out of the woman's way.
At this point, the woman called out to me to back down. She told me the situation wasn't that serious and that she was simply arguing with her boyfriend (the shoeless lunatic who had been blocking her vehicular egress). After she assured me she was safe and would be okay, I apologized for coming out sideways the way I did and started walking back to my car. Unfortunately, my approach to the situation had understandably rubbed the boyfriend the wrong way and had him in a bit of a fighting mood. I indicated that I wasn't interested in fighting, and I got back into my car, locked the doors, and went back to the conversation with Anya, who had been put on hold to deal with the situation we were witnessing. The dude stood outside my car for a couple of minutes to berate me while I repeated my assertion that I wasn't interested in engaging any further. He finally walked away and entered the front door of his apartment complex.
A few minutes later, though, he returned. I repeated that I wasn’t interested. He persisted, but he was less confrontational this time. I finally agreed to hear him out, and he told me that after he went inside, our exchange didn’t sit right with him, and he felt like he needed to apologize. I got out of my car and told him that the way I saw it, he had just done some real man shit; that he was putting off some real big dick energy. I asked to shake his hand, and he requested we hug instead. Like I said, I’m a hugger.
What all three of these stories have in common is that all three situations were brought to a safe and peaceful conclusion through a willingness to make a genuine human connection. The way I see it, such a connection is empathy put into action. It is also a powerful and effective catalyst for de-escalation, and if you’re working security without prioritizing de-escalation, you’re wrong. Hell, if you’re a human and you’re not prioritizing de-escalation in life, you’re wrong.
We live in a world that isolates us from each other more and more every day. Social media has caused our interactions with friends to shift entirely to the Internet. Amazon Prime, DoorDash, Zoom, Netflix. Modern convenience has robbed us of our reasons for leaving the house. Especially now, fresh off the heels of a global pandemic that brought with it several years in which “social distancing” was the mandate, I think we’re all feeling that isolation to some extent, without really knowing what to do about it. Here’s something we can all do about it: make the effort to connect.
Nate Hazen is a bouncer, writer, and hugger. If you’re needing a hug, come get one from him at Dixie Tavern and X Exotic Lounge.
