How to Get Fat as Fuck, Fast as Fuck

How to Get Fat as Fuck, Fast as Fuck

It's a commonly held belief that people do not want to be fat.

After all, people go to terrible trouble to not be fat. We go to gyms, try all manner of absurd diets, get surgeries, take drugs that someone sells on late-night TV, and pretty much any goofball thing some celebrity recommends.

But we don't often talk about how toget fat, you know, in case you need to do so in a relative hurry. I'm sure everyone has some notion of how to do this, like eating McDonald's all day or some such, but I have done diligent research, and I'll get you fuckers fat as fast as possible.

Diet

Now, you knew the first thing I was going to cover was food, so let's get to the meat of this. I found the most fattening and unhealthy foods on the planet. I know that something being just fatty doesn't mean you get fat from it. We dismissed that societal concept some time ago, and in the age of keto and paleo diets, which are mostly meats and fats, we know that fats are not the enemy, unlike the "everything must have a low-fat version" mantra of the '80s and '90s. Here are some things that will really help you lay on the blubber.

Yep, those ones you get at the grocery store with the really terrible icing. They have everything you want: processed sugars, palm oil, corn syrup, and nothing but pure carbs.

These things just pretend to be healthy and trick you into thinking so, but Jamba Juice is a house of lies. One of their medium-sized peanut butter smoothies, for example, is 120 grams of carbs and 102 grams of sugar.

Here's where we start getting weird. This is a pastry made in India, so you might have trouble sourcing it unless you have a really kickass Indian joint near you. It is a dough made of super-refined flour and sugar, deep fried in oil, and then drenched in a hyper-sweet sauce made of sugar, honey, and rose water. Move aside, glazed doughnuts! Jalebi comin' through!

Why are French cooks regarded as the best? Because they invent shit like this. Aligot is a dish of mashed potatoes. I know what you must be thinking: "Mashed potatoes? That's not that fattening." Trust me, they found a way. Mashed potatoes, finely blended with Tomme de Laguiole (which is dense cheese curds) and cantal (a hard cheese), sometimes mozzarella, and a fuckpile of butter and garlic, traditionally served in a bread bowl. Often, they will dip sausages in it, too. Needless to say, this will help you pack it on.

This one hails from Georgia. Not our Georgia, but the one that's in Slav land. It's a sorta-sandwich, being a long bread roll similar to a baguette. It is then stuffed with butter and a special cheese they make just for this thing, then topped with a fried egg. This is so popular in Georgia that it is not only their national dish, but it has its own fucking holiday, February 27th, National Khachapuri Day. Often served with tea or vodka. Skip the tea.

Canada's sole contribution to world cuisine, but if you know, you know how good it is. Fried cheese curds on a bed of fries, smothered in rich gravy. It is so popular up North that McDonald's even sells it. According to McD's, the REGULAR size is 870 calories, the large is 1730 calories, and that's just the fast food version. They have whole restaurants dedicated to poutine, so imagine how fattening the good stuff is!

The Slavs once again come into play, but this time, it's the Ukrainians who are up to mischief. Salo is a popular food there; in fact, it is so popular that there is a museum dedicated to it. It is cubes of salt-cured pork fat, which is already pushing it, and then some brain genius decided to dip them in chocolate after the end of the Cold War when Slavs could more readily obtain chocolate. Upon discovering this foodstuff, BBC reporter Helen Fawkes dubbed it "one of the unhealthiest snacks in the world." It is traditionally served with pickles, garlic, and, yep, you guessed it, vodka.

I'm not leaving out our Spanish and Mexican pals. They throw the heat with the humble churro. Most of us have probably had one before. Fried dough covered in sugar and cinnamon. In Spain, it is common to dip it in liquid chocolate, and while we largely think of them as a dessert here, they are a breakfast item over there.

Most popular in Scotland. Ach, laddie, it's a deep-fried Mars bar. Not much more to say there, save that they are a whole pile of calories.

Italy, you made me have to pick, out of all the dishes you make, the one that is the least healthy. This was quite the chore, but I settled on tiramisu. For those perhaps not in the know, it's a dessert comprised of ladyfinger pastries soaked in coffee and covered in a creamy meringue made of egg whites, sugar, and mascarpone. It is then dusted in cocoa powder and usually served cold or at room temperature with some coffee or sweet liquor like limoncello or sambuca.

Drugs

There are a lot of drugs out there to help you not be fat. There's a kajillion-dollar industry built around this alone in the world of Big Pharma. That said, let's talk about some that will make you fat.

Antipsychotics like Zyprexa, Abilify, and Seroquel are known to cause massive weight gain with constant use and will bloat you way up, really fast. They typically cause a gain of anywhere between 7% and 25% of total body mass, according to reports, so you can be not crazy and be fat.

Beta-blockers like Altace or Lotensin help your body be more resistant to exercise and make it harder to burn calories. Athletes take these because they increase response time in fine motor skills, slow your heart rate, and decrease blood pressure. You aren't an athlete, ten-to-one, so just take them and eat Hot Pockets.

Most antidepressants are selective serotonin reuptake inhibitors, more commonly known as SSRIs. Paxil, Zoloft, and Luvox are the most common ones. They have been known to cause brief weight loss before the balloon factor starts.

The other popular kind is tricyclic antidepressants, such as Endep, Tofranil, and Remeron. These can potentially cause a gain of nearly 44 lbs in 2-6 months! Wellbutrin seems to cause weight loss, so avoid that.

Diabetes meds like thiazolidinediones (commonly called TZDs, because fuck trying to pronounce that in one breath) and insulin shots like Humalog can cause weight gain, but it is typically not severe. You're probably going to need it eventually, anyhow, if you're trying to get fat fast.

Behavior

• Eat huge meals 3 hours after waking and right before sleeping.

• Don't eat whole grain anything.

• Avoid fruits and vegetables unless they are fried or soaked in butter.

• Punch someone in the face.

Surgical Procedures

Since most doctors will not do stomach implants (if that's even a thing), you can get ass implants, just like Nicki Minaj!

If you're a lady, this does not have to be explained. If you're a fella, and you want the sweaty moobs you crave, you can get breast implants, too. Just don't get the silicone ones, they look too fake.

Just do a handshake deal with a plastic surgeon to "take the leftovers off [their] hands" and get pumped full of fat that some ingrate didn't want.

Exercise Tips

• Don't.

There you have it. My tips on how to get fat as fuck, fast as fuck. If Brendan Fraser can win an Oscar for being a great, big fatass, then you, too, can achieve glory.

Gorge well,

-Wombstretcha

Wombstretcha the Magnificent is a regrettably skinny bastard, carb enthusiast, deep-fryer owner, writer, and retired rapper from Portland, OR. He can be found at his website, Wombstretcha.com, on Twitter/X/whatever as @wombstretcha503, and on MeWe and (begrudgingly) Facebook as "Wombstretcha the Magnificent."