Portland may be cutting-edge in terms of vagina pageants and vegan strip clubs, but how can we call ourselves progressives when we’re running DJ software from a laggy Windows 98, from a refurbished computer that doubles as a table for pint glasses, old CDs and stripper ass? We’re all in this cash-for-gash game together, so I say it’s time to evolve accordingly.
Mainstream music only. Strictly 80s rock, 90s hip hop and nothing else. These are great options for road trips, but they don’t fare well as rules in strip clubs. With the notable exception of clubs that depend on a genre of music to fit their advertised theme (rock-only clubs like Rose City Strip, for example), there should be absolutely no hard-and-fast rules regarding what songs DJs are allowed to play for dancers (outside of theme nights). Sure, there are club owners who have a particular distaste for a specific song or artist ("My Humps" by Black Eyed Peas stands out, as does every other song by Black Eyed Peas released post-Fergie), but aside from the obvious exceptions mentioned here, customer tips are often highly dependent on music.
If a crowd of hip hop fans come walking in (especially the suburban white boy types, who want to make their lawyer dad’s money rain like the guys in the rap videos they watch in their Escalades), you’re not gonna make them happy by explaining how rap music isn’t allowed after 9pm, but you can give them as much Nickelback as they can handle. The same applies in reverse; if a touring rock band is passing through the club with a copy of their CD (and fistfuls of cash), the "only top 40" rule is gonna drive them out of the club quicker than a tour bus full of hookers. Be flexible in your musical selections and remember that three and a half awkward, naked minutes is, well, not exactly anything new for most people (especially gorgeous women).
It’s the current year. If you’re still handing a half-working, scattered-screen-laden iPhone 3 to your DJ, you’re doing it wrong. Most (if not all) Portland-area DJs are equipped with a laptop and a hard drive full of everything from ABBA to Zapp. The best way to earn your DJ’s respect is by filling a five-dollar flash drive with a selection of your favorite MP3s (or MP4s, or M4Ps or whatever Apple is slanging these days). YouTube links sound like shit. The word "remix" means nothing, when attached to a file that may or may not have been molested by a low-rate producer. Asking to hear a preview of the song would be possible in a standard dance club, but your DJ is likely stuck using a single-jack input, with no way to cue songs. Did that last sentence make any sense? Then take my initial advice and buy a fucking flash drive. You can earn the money for one in the length of a set.
After filling up your new flash drive, have your significant other (current roommate) test the flash drive on their laptop. Bonus points if it opens up on a PC. Files with names like "k58wh- K3lf.mp4" need to be renamed, even if incorrectly (i.e. NIN - "Fuck Poo Like Manimal"), so that you can properly request them while hobbling to stage late and attempting to position your bra strap while doing so. It’s a lot easier than having to stumble up the steps of the DJ booth or telling the DJ to play "anything" (before proceeding to get pissed off about his or her selection). Flash drives are basically pugs you can bring into the club—they’re cute, portable and you can even name them. Owning multiple ones only makes you a more desirable and professional dancer, but you need to remember not to leave them with your DJ, or they will get used and/or sold.
The job of a disc jockey—whether in terms of early 80s Bronx or late 60s radio towers—is to filter up-and-coming music into the greater aural lexicon. The three-song set format of NW strip clubs is a perfect environment in which to expose unheard-of-acts, sandwiched in between two sure-fire bangers. I’m not talking un-mastered mixtapes CD-R, purchased from the guy outside of the pizza window on Burnside. Rather, I’m referring to established-but-noncommercial local acts. If a stripper asks for Kings Of Leon, play her some Dead Moon in between the two songs that K.O.L. has rotating every six minutes on alternative radio. When a dancer asks for sample-heavy hip hop (like, the kind that doesn’t just yell "swag, bitch, cunt, money" over an EDM beat), play her some Mike Crenshaw or Eastern Sunz. If you don’t know who these artists are, you shouldn’t be a fucking DJ in Portland. Look ‘em up.
On the flipside, let’s all agree that it’s time we take out the trash. Everything from outdated nu-blech like Linkin Park, to never-should-have-happened- at-all crap like Macklemore, needs to go. All it takes is a simple right-click, delete, blame-it-on-the-part-time-day-DJ to clean out the house computer (and if you have this shit on your own laptop, get rid of it now). Whenever someone blames the shit that gets played on mainstream radio, they’re indirectly placing responsibility on the DJs who control the filtration system that occurs in the booths. Consider the fact that, when juxtaposed against a background of naked women and alcohol, any song will sound better (or, worse, if the dancer reacts to it in a negative fashion).
As strip club owners, dancers and DJs, we really can’t do much to shatter mainstream beauty standards. Sorry, but the economy of cash-for-skin doesn’t lend itself to a discussion regarding how all sizes and shapes can be considered beautiful; put simply, archaic instincts like youth, health and symmetry still rule in the land of poles and panties. However, we can alter the perception of music (and everything that falls in between dumbed-down, mainstream trap and over-hyped dubstep remixes). The best way to remove something from the realm of pop culture acceptance is to get swarms of attractive women to denounce it. See also: mainstream beauty standards.
