Anyone who’s ever been to a Miss Exotic Oregon competition
knows that there’s something wildly special about each winner.
As we watch these ladies compete on stage and as all of the creativeness
and hard work that goes into the performance unfolds,
it’s clear that winning the crown doesn’t come without hours of
hard work and tedious planning.
We may think we understand the woman wearing the crown as
an entertainer, but I’d like to uncover more about 2017’s Miss Exotic
Oregon, Shelli Stark...
Robotics have integrated themselves into
the lives of humans for decades. Self-driving
cars, drones, Siri, Alexa, Cortana...not to mention
all of the beloved (although fictional)
androids of Star Wars. But, for the first time,
in real life, humans will be able to act out all
of their desires with a functioning robot who
looks and feels almost the same as a real partner
For twenty years, Abyss Creations has manufactured
life-size sex dolls called RealDolls,
made of pose-able PVC and silicone. The dolls
are beautiful to look at and it takes the company
80 work hours to create each doll for
customers. Abyss Creations offers the dolls
made to one-of-a-kind specifics and also
have generic offerings of male, female,
light-weight petite and licensed pornstar
dolls. The dolls feature seven-inch-deep
mouths and removable vaginal
inserts for easy cleaning. Sex doll concepts
are nothing new, but RealDoll
founder, Mike McMullen, announced
that, later this year, the dolls will feature
built-in heaters to mimic human
body heat, sensors that will respond to
the dolls being touched and artificial
intelligence programming...
Sexxx Kitten 3000 wins this year’s Miss Exotic competition
by doing a flawless rendition of the human
classic, The Kim Kardashian Sex Tapes. Surprising
all the A.I. judges was this year’s runner-up, a rare,
natural-born human who wowed virtual audiences
across Earth and Mars, with her moving and
emotional performance, "Becoming A Robot, A
Little Girls Dream."
And, you better believe Terrible will be getting
SK3000’s phone number* after the show.
God, I CAN’T FUCKING WAIT for sex robots! No,
seriously. I’ve begun designing my own robot
girlfriend. I have a long ways to go before she’ll
be laughing at my dumb jokes, engaging me in
stimulating meaning-of-life conversations and
sucking my dick like her slutty lil’Artificial Intelligent
life depends on it, but if I start developing
her personality and building her carrier (body)
now, I will be able to get ahead of the curve on
this one. People have always told me that I am
"ahead of my time" and so I’m choosing to believe
that "intimate relationships with non-biological
beings" is going to be commonplace in
the not-too-distant future. Yeah...
The Winter Victim Olympics will feature an all-star cast of
liberals, competing against other liberals, at the expense
of every group they claim to speak on behalf of. Join us,
as we tune in...
Liberals are just as quick to apologize for things as we are
to become outraged over them. You’re not gonna see too
many Trump supporters turning on their man for making
misogynistic comments, but if Stephen Colbert makes an
intentionally-ironic, in-context joke regarding Asian people
(that actually defends them, while satirically poking
fun at ignorant racists), he ends up apologizing in the face
of a #CancelColbert hashtag. Much of what the left wants
to accuse the right-wingers of—but cannot because of extenuating
circumstances (facts, statistics, logic, etc.)—we
end up tossing in each others’ faces. It’s like a pissing contest
of sorts, trying to one-up each other, in not-so-passive-aggressive
displays of in-fighting. Further, we usher in our
own worst enemies. Hitler won because of the female vote
(Google it), so it only makes sense that progressives will be
destroyed by liberals; in the realm of politics, we are usually
the architects of our own demise...
2016 was, for all intents and purposes,
one of the worst years ever recorded. Even
worse than that album "Years" by Ringo
Starr (admit it, you genuinely don’t know
if I’m being facetious or not). We lost many,
many people who were loved by various
demographics, including David Bowie,
Prince, Lemmy, Leonard Cohen and Harambe.
Pop culture took a moment every
few days to commemorate the departed,
with Facebook profile picture changes
aflutter. However, aside from lame jokes
and half-empty remembrances to people
who were never short on ego validation,
there are people who, although lacking in
TMZ celebrity status, were just as endearing
(if not more so) to hundreds, if not
thousands, of actual friends and family...
Getting lost in rural Humboldt County is not
much different from being on the road in rural
Humboldt while knowing exactly where
you’re going; regardless of what your map or
GPS says, you’re at least a few hours away from
a decent gas station, cell reception or non-living
food at any given time (notice how I used
time as a measurement of distance from civilization,
as opposed to mileage—it will come
in later)...
So, 2016 was one of the more screwy years on record,
but 2017 promises to be much better. We
really judge our precious short time spent on this
Earth by the quality of our entertainment and I
just so happen to have inside contacts at several
major television networks. I am here, now, to give
you salivating TV watchers a preview of what to
expect in the coming year on the ol’ small screen,
as it promises to be better than ever...
This reading was drawn using the 22 Major Arcana
from the original Tarot de Marseille, as it was restored
by Alejandro Jodorowsky. The method of reading is an
approach called Tarology, which is different than divination.
The tarologist (me) draws the cards in a trance state
after contemplating the query, or in this case, prompt,
in order to read them. The spread here was initially intended
for only 4 cards, but was increased to 7, as others
caught the attention of the Tarologist (me) during their
‘trance state’ (BAC .09)...
Portland may be cutting-edge in terms of vagina
pageants and vegan strip clubs, but how
can we call ourselves progressives when we’re
running DJ software from a laggy Windows 98,
from a refurbished computer that doubles as a
table for pint glasses, old CDs and stripper ass?
We’re all in this cash-for-gash game together, so
I say it’s time to evolve accordingly...
I’ve got good news and bad news. The good
news is that you’ve finally decided to learn
how to do a good internet, but the bad news
is you don’t know how or where to start! Fortunately,
tech gurus such as myself are here
to help. Follow these simple steps and you’ll
make internet successfully in no time flat at
all. ..
The roar of the fan mesmerizes me deeper into
post-coital bliss. It cools my bare skin as I lie on his
firm bed. The sweat dries. Mister Mister is in the
shower with the door half open. I can smell his cologne
on me...
At the end of every year, do you feel like a
fucking failure? Ever feel like shit for committing
publicly to lose 15 pounds, when, in
fact, you actually put on ten? Are your kids
still calling you by your first name? Do you
feel bad for never getting your oil changed? Please read on...
