At the end of every year, do you feel like a fucking failure? Ever feel like shit for committing publicly to lose 15 pounds, when, in fact, you actually put on ten? Are your kids still calling you by your first name? Do you feel bad for never getting your oil changed? Please read on:
Quit drinking (in front of others). Only drink alone. Pics or it didn’t happen. I’ve never had my dog get mad at me for drinking too much and finishing off the ranch dressing and all the tortillas.
Stop telling your friends that your beauty secret is "water and living clean," when you know good and well that you bathe in Botox. Give up the ghost. Confess.
Drink more water.
Remember, not everyone who shares their pregnancy with you is looking for a long sorrowful hug and on officer to "go with her." Sometimes, "congratulations" is the correct response.
Use/learn their appropriate pronoun.
Lose 15 pounds. I mean, you’re perfect just the way you are. I didn’t say lose 15 pounds at the same time. This is fucking easy. Okay, stay with me here: Monday, you’re down one pound, but on Tuesday, you’re up two. Only track the down days! Last year, I lost 345lbs and gained 355 lbs. It’s all about how you word things.
Get your oil changed. Okay, you really need to do this. It’s not hard—drive to you local rip-off shop, where the employees come to work on skateboards. Tell them you want your oil changed and that’s all. Just do it.
Stop taking the kids to the grocery store daycare before going to the bar across the street.
Start cooking "real" meals at home. Top Ramen counts and cereal counts. Fast food does not.
Stop drinking egg nog, ‘cause that shit is gross.
Put gas in your car before you are on empty. This will make you feel like a huge winner.
Give a homeless person a dollar.
Be friends with someone who is not like you.
Bite the bullet and buy the big multi-pack of paper towels. Nothing will make you feel as successful as buying in bulk. Fuck those yoga-pant moms and their judgy Ugg boots.
Make time to go to the dentist—do this twice. They are your only teeth, take care of them (as a mom, I am obligated by law to say this).
Have the doctor check your genital hole(s). Your sex organs and buttholes are important. You need these forever. Take care of them
. Tell a woman that you admire...that you admire them! This will make you feel great and, if it makes you feel great, think about how it must make them feel. I can be reached on Twittter: @TiffanyGreysen
Make a new friend and don’t block them on Facebook.
Be aware of your selfishness. We are all selfish. It’s okay. Just know it and work on behaving less so.
Try something new. Maybe it’s something stupid, like going to a different gas station. It still counts.
When you buy a gift for someone, don’t buy yourself something too.
Don’t recoil in disgust when the cat lady at the bar sitting next to you sounds like she has Tuberculosis and a hairball. Just move.
When someone is talking, listen and don’t wonder if you’re sitting at your best angle.
Start turning in your articles on time (maybe this is just for me). Ed: It’s not just for you.
Consider filing your taxes (pleading the fifth on this one).
Pay your cell phone bill on time.
Stop crying at work.
Remember The Alamo.
Go to your kids’ open house. Stop being mad at the person who unfollowed you because they are a sensitive-Sally and can’t handle the truth. They really just can’t handle the truth.
Stand up for someone who can’t stand up for themselves.
If 2016 taught us anything, it was that 2016 sucked. Facebook pointed out to all of us in their "Year In Review" that we are stingy with our Facebook likes. Stop being stingy on Facebook with your likes!
Root for the underdog.
Be the underdog.
Exercise more. Stop sending your kids downstairs to let the dog in. Get your ass off Facebook and do it yourself. Forgive your parents for the terrible things they have done. You don’t have to hang out with them, but maybe just don’t spend your brain power on them.
Be unpopular for the right reason.
Spend time with friends you’ve brushed off because you wanted to watch Golden Girls reruns. You love them for a reason and you miss them too. You won’t regret the time you spend with your friends. Remember...Prince and Bowie had friends too.
Watch more documentaries.
Ignore gossip.
Wear matching socks when you know others can see...or don’t. Socks don’t matter.
