So, 2016 was one of the more screwy years on record, but 2017 promises to be much better. We really judge our precious short time spent on this Earth by the quality of our entertainment and I just so happen to have inside contacts at several major television networks. I am here, now, to give you salivating TV watchers a preview of what to expect in the coming year on the ol’ small screen, as it promises to be better than ever.
To preface this, I’d say "reality shows are back," but I don’t think they really ever went away. Reality shows only seem to come in two flavors: the ones where there’s some kind of competition or adversarial situation the people are put into and those where it’s merely a 21st century freak show.
Scope out the new "competitive/adversarial" reality shows:
In this show, stuck-up, high-maintenance, spoiled suburban women (and, occasionally, one sassy urban woman) who are used to always getting their way...are stuck in a house with others just like them, because they’re trying to win...something. The meltdowns and shrieking alone are sure to pull you in!
This show puts ten sleazy-but-decent-looking men into an open dorm complex with ten sleazy-but- decent-looking women, for a period of one TV season (at least). Did I mention there are 12 hot tubs and 40 night-vision cameras installed, with liquor and MDMA deliveries every three hours? When you want to watch awkward, amateur porn, but aren’t quite wanting to look up the real deal on SexTube (and, also prefer the genitals censored), we’ve got the show for you!
Of course, we also have to get to the trainwrecks which are the 21st century freak shows. The latest:
Watch people with fascinatingly-complex fetishes and personality disorders try to experience real life, only to get crushed upon doing so and make you feel bad in a way that while, yes, you feel bad for them, you still wouldn’t want to be sharing the same room.
Trailers and Skoal are the order of the day as you watch undereducated, underprivileged people in Southern trailer parks deal with everyday life, in a way that makes you cry.
It’s not all reality TV this year, though. There are some fine new sitcoms coming up. Take a gander:
Opposites attract...and in this show, a woman, who hates large, semi-aquatic African mammals, marries a man in Vegas after knowing him for just one night...only to learn that he owns a hippo farm! Hilarity ensues as she tries to balance life between her needs, her man, his kids and a shitload of hippos!
Eternally dislikable character actor Paul Reiser has magically been gifted another show, after coked-out network executives somehow green lit this monstrosity. Find out how long this one can stay on the air, because I bet it’s going to be far longer than it should. Fuck me, here we go again.
The saving grace of television, is always quality documentary series. I love documentaries, but their titles are always long. Here’s what’s coming up:
He could be talking about the efficiency of the sun-tailed monkey’s rectum or the way those little Candiru fish in South America get stuck in your dickhole—and I’d still watch it. Top pick for 2017.
Says it all. Dude gets lit and talks about Sagan for about an hour and also periodically compares doughnuts to black holes. Still, a must-watch.
I hate to say it, but game shows are back— though, this time, they’re not lame ones like the Regis one or the boring one with the briefcases. Here are the hot, new game shows coming to prime time:
In front of a specially-constructed pneumatic rodent cannon, five men compete in a battle of wits, knowledge and crawling through slime. However, if the five ladies doing the judging don’t like their performance...OOPS! Rat to the dick!
The wacky game show wherein contestants must pick between an undercover cop or a bonafide prostitute, after asking them a series of yes/no questions. Losers get a misdemeanor solicitation charge and a ride down the "Slide Of Shame," but the winners get the suck (or service of equal or lesser value)!
It’s likewise looking good for police dramas. Everyone likes a good cop show and all the old ones are stale. Here are the new cops on the block:
Thrill as this weekly police procedural show takes you inside the lives of the staff of the US Department Of Weights And Measures. From over-weighted produce scales scamming customers in supermarkets to bogus gas pumps skimming three cents off every dollar pumped, this latest show is sure to provide the same gripping, "ripped from the headlines" storytelling we’ve come to expect from the Law & Order franchise.
The police in this small—but sordid—town of historical reenactors must get to the bottom of the worst rapes, murders, thefts and witchcraft accusations Colonial Williamsburg has to officer. It doesn’t help that the CSI team are not historical reenactors, but still have to deal with people in tri-corner hats calling them "constable."
There we have it. Get your popcorn and whiskey ready.
