I’ve got good news and bad news. The good news is that you’ve finally decided to learn how to do a good internet, but the bad news is you don’t know how or where to start! Fortunately, tech gurus such as myself are here to help. Follow these simple steps and you’ll make internet successfully in no time flat at all.
First things first. You’re going to need an internet. Most people think you have to go to an internet store, but this isn’t true. Many people have spare internets lying around that they would more than happily give away for free—if not pay you—to take off their hands. But, instead of spending your entire day driving from garage sale to garage sale, hoping someone has an internet in your size, you should save time by combing through the phone book ahead of time and asking which houses are having yard sales today.
See if anyone has written good articles on how to do a good internet. See? I told you, you’re on the right track! You don’t even know what you’re doing and you’re already on step two. Most people don’t make it this far. You are now part of an elite group, and to exhibit this much prowess so early on is both exciting and foreboding. Remember, with great strength comes great responsibility. The only way to truly become a master is to first become a servant.
After calling from house to house, you finally reach a stranger who says he will give you his internet, but only if you agree to meet him at midnight, behind the Goodwill. You eagerly agree. When you arrive, an old man gives you a black plastic bag full of something heavy and smelly. "What is it?" you ask.
"It’s the internet," he says. Then, he gets in his van and drives away, yelling, "Don’t look in the bag!"
Drive to a different state and bury the internet in a field. Make sure no one sees you. Do not take your cell phone with you. Do not tell anyone where you are going. Remain deliberately ignorant of details that might help you remember how to return to the field at a later date, such as road signs and geographical markers. Forget that the internet ever happened.
Make your wife some tea. It is now two weeks since you buried the internet. You are married and are enjoying a calm Sunday afternoon with your wife, who is pregnant. "Can I get you some tea?" you ask your wife. Suddenly, you hear a knock at the door. You answer the door. It’s the FBI.
"We’ve got some questions for you. Would you like to step outside?" You give your wife a calm glance to convey that everything’s fine, but she instinctively places a protective hand over her enlarged womb. Now you go outside with the FBI. The FBI looks familiar, but you’re not sure where you’ve seen the FBI’s face before. "Do you know anything about a buried internet?" the FBI asks. You say nothing. "We know the truth, regardless of whether you’re willing to admit it, so you’ll be better off if you play ball," the FBI says.
"I was just following directions," you reply. "Very good. We have more directions for you, if you so choose to accept them."
Accept the FBI’s directions. The FBI tells you that he’s got some more internets for you to bury and asks you to follow him out to his truck. You follow him and start loading internets from his truck to your garage. Suddenly, a car pulls up. The car says "FBI Car" on the side. A liar gets out.
"Don’t listen to him," the liar says, pointing at the FBI.
"Why?" you ask.
"He’s not the real FBI, we are," says the liar.
Suddenly, you realize that the FBI looks just like the old man who gave you the first internet. He hands you a pistol and says, "you know what must be done."
You clutch the weapon in your long, sinewy hands. Then you hear a woman’s voice.
"Who are you talking to?" she says. It’s your wife.
You look over your shoulder, but the FBI and the liar are gone. "No one," you reply. It’s too complicated. Women don’t understand anything about the internet. Go back inside.
Your new secret name is Kelandro. If someone calls your house and asks for Kelandro, it means you are being summoned. Go to the location given to you by the voice the following midnight. Go alone. Do not ever speak of this to anyone.
You are now on the path to do a good internet. You will have Bill’s gates in no time!
