2045, Portland, Oregon, China:
Sexxx Kitten 3000 wins this year’s Miss Exotic competition by doing a flawless rendition of the human classic, The Kim Kardashian Sex Tapes. Surprising all the A.I. judges was this year’s runner-up, a rare, natural-born human who wowed virtual audiences across Earth and Mars, with her moving and emotional performance, "Becoming A Robot, A Little Girls Dream."
And, you better believe Terrible will be getting SK3000’s phone number* after the show. God, I CAN’T FUCKING WAIT for sex robots! No, seriously. I’ve begun designing my own robot girlfriend. I have a long ways to go before she’ll be laughing at my dumb jokes, engaging me in stimulating meaning-of-life conversations and sucking my dick like her slutty lil’Artificial Intelligent life depends on it, but if I start developing her personality and building her carrier (body) now, I will be able to get ahead of the curve on this one. People have always told me that I am "ahead of my time" and so I’m choosing to believe that "intimate relationships with non-biological beings" is going to be commonplace in the not-too-distant future. Yeah...
Anyways, I am truly, unabashedly proud to be among the cyborg love-making pioneers. Judge me all you want. I’ll have the girl of my dreams built to my detailed Terrible specifications and you’ll have your shitty, depressing relationship. Go ahead and laugh at me now, ‘cause I’ll be laughing all the way to The Sperm Bank (my pet name for her) soon enough. In my mind, I’ve already won. Believe me, ten years from now, "everyone" will have a robot sex partner. You’ll be able to order them on Amazon with whatever fur, feathers or faux-skin you like. Jack shacks will feature pay-by-the-minute robot sex slaves. The future is bright, friends! I mean, haven’t you ever dreamt of having a Cheetah-human hybrid girlfriend? No? Just me? Okay...
Anyho, sometimes I like to smoke *fine Oregon cannabis* (ahem, weed sponsors, get at me) and daydream about the future love-of-my-eternal-life. She’ll be all of my fetishes in one person. All of my favorite qualities from every girl I’ve ever dated can be integrated into her being. And, I can edit out emotional insecurity, religious beliefs and other human defects that ruin just about every goddamn relationship ever. I’ll exercise scrupulous attention to detail, as I sculpt every centimeter of her body to my Terrible heart’s desire. She. Will. Be. Perfect. And, to top it all off, I’ll install a special hidden go-go-gadget pocket pussy behind her (holographic) left eye, so I can skullfuck her sexy digital brains out (she cums with all the options).
And, let’s not forget that I will be upgrading my own carrier (body) as new technologies allow. I’m really, really looking forward to cranking my Robo-Boner™ up to 11 and setting the world record for multiple cyborgasms. You know, I will... surrrrre, like YOU have never fantasized about the perfect robot girlfriend (or, gender/sub-species of your choice). Whatever.
Okay, let’s break this down. How am I going to design and build Mrs. Terriblebot? First, she needs a personality. And, that means AGI...
Artificial Intelligence is old news. Artificial General Intelligence (AGI) is the new paradigm, under which we are teaching robots and machines to think and act on their own, to be cognizant of their environment and to respond to changing conditions in real time (and possess the entire knowledge of the fucking internet). No longer will we program robots just to perform specific, simple tasks, but we are now creating sentient beings who can teach themselves new skills and abilities. Some would say we’ve already achieved AGI; other experts say we’re a few years away from seeing its true power. What is apparent is that we need to have a new discussion on what constitutes "intelligence" and "consciousness."
Ben Goertzel, a Mathematician and Cosmist from Eugene, is at the forefront of this god-creating technology and, if he’s even remotely correct, we can look forward to a world that is full of walking, talking, thinking robots. And, it very well may be here, in as little as ten years, with how many billions of dollars Google, Facebook, Baidu, DARPA, China and the USA are all dumping into advanced A.I. research. The implications of an intelligence that is orders of magnitude more advanced than all humans combined is...well, it’s probably the end of humanity as we know it. But hey, we will have created gods and that’s pretty sick (sorry, Jesus, it’s not the meek who will inherit the earth—it’s the robots. They’ll take great care of it. Better than you did, anyhow).
Regardless, the end of humanity is upon us and I’m ready to fuckin’ party. Our species will not end in mass pandemic**, nuclear holocaust*** or rapture****. No, it will gradually end this century as we transcend 200,000 years of homosapien evolution by natural selection, entering the era of unnatural evolution, where we transform our existence into all-new forms of beings and consciousness.
Don’t worry, I fantasize about human women sometimes too. Although, unfortunately, I’ve found it difficult to find any cute geneticists who are willing to let me bend them over an autoclave to "perform my DNA experiments." Boo. Now you understand why I must create HER. I’d tell you about my design plans for my robot girlfriends body, but... I wouldn’t want to bore you with the tentacle details. ;]
* It will actually be some sort of neural password that links our cloud-based consciousnesses together for quantum-love-making entanglement, but "getting her phone number" will still be the familiar colloquial expression in the Transhuman techno-topia of the mid-21st century.
** probably
*** most likely
**** definitely
What the hell am I talking about? Here’s a brief introduction: https://youtu.be/8XWXJDgbeP0
