The last official day of winter is March 20, but as any local resident knows, we’re likely in for another couple months (at least) of gloomy, oppressive skies, rain, more rain, clouds and more gloom. Accompanying this weather is often the crushing, existential despair that comes with staying indoors, deprived of sunlight and human interaction. You sit alone, examining your own life and the poor decisions that led up to whatever meager, starvation- level amount of joy you’re managing to subsist on now. God, where did it all go wrong?
Well, sulk no longer. We’ve compiled a helpful list of activities to keep your mind off the pointlessness of existence that tends to creep in, when you don’t get enough vitamin D or blowjobs. Get Fat
There isn’t a lot that releases happy chemicals in your brain the way a giant steak, cheese fries and a pint or two of good beer can. The main problem with this, is that too many calories, coupled with the soporific effect of an awesome meal, can lead to inches being added to your waistline at a frantic clip. Being "overweight" has classically been a turn-off to potential partners, as well as creating serious potential risks to your health. Fortunately, now we know better. Body positivity has taught us to accept and love our asses, no matter how vast they are. A little cush in the tush isn’t seen as undesirable these days, and we’re thinking that trend will probably continue indefinitely, so go ahead and shoot for half a ton—you’ll be a plus-sized trendsetter.
This one is our favorite. There are a million little ways you can make those people who must regularly interact with you rue the day they ever met you. Misery loves company, and when you’re feeling down, there’s nothing like urinating in the office coffee pot, farting on a crowded train or sending your friends parcels filled with glitter and live bees. If anyone tries to call you out for your terrible behavior, get self-righteously defensive, claim you’re being marginalized for your legitimate mental health issues and that they should be more supportive of your needs— this angle has a 100% success rate for getting you off scot-free.
We hate rational, measured, dignified political discussion these days. Yelling is in and objectivity is OUT. If you’re too busy feeling enraged and emotionally committed to things that will only ever marginally affect you, you simply don’t have time to be depressed. Find a cause and run with it. Attend rallies, shout at policemen, blockade whatever governmental branch is the recipient of your vitriol, stop bathing and direct all that negativity into something so all-consuming, you’ll never have to think about your own problems, ever again. You’ll be consumed with simmering anger instead of bleak despair and we think that’s far superior.
There’s no better way to counteract the blues, than by lavish spending, conspicuous consumption and material acquisition. Go on, you deserve it. Some people go in for a day at the spa, but, frankly, "treating yourself" can mean anything you want it to. Fancy dinner for you and your friends? Yes! Massage with a happy ending? Absolutely. A $300 bottle of scotch? Why only one??? In fact, there’s that pair of rocket shoes at Sharper Image that you’ve been eyeing, and at only $599.99, they’re a steal. This is what credit cards are made for. Rack up that debt, it’s the American Way (and, a problem for future you). Currently, though, you can just lie back and enjoy the feeling of that dark void in your soul being filled with more stuff.
When the Dickensian gloom and constant drizzle get to be simply too much, it’s time to head off on that long-deserved tropical vacation. Book a flight and ditch the dreary Pacific Northwest. Wherever you end up, make sure to take time and soak up some rays, sample the local food, music, customs, drugs and ladies of the night. Be cautious of local organ traders and witch doctors, though—there’s nothing that’s more of a bummer than taking a walk on the beach and waking up a bathtub filled with ice. That, or ending up a brainwashed zombie, with no free will or self-awareness. Both are less than optimal outcomes to a vacation. Honestly, the second one doesn’t sound so bad, though, when you think about it.
If you’re feeling stagnant or out of sorts, a great option to counter this kind of ennui is to take up a new hobby. Unfortunately, many popular pastimes are a snoozefest. Who wants to scrapbook, crochet or wood carve? You may as well just binge drink. Some better alternate indoor hobbies we can recommend from personal experience are: competitive ferret racing, online celebrity stalking, mooing as loudly as possible, creating elaborate Rube Goldberg-style sex machines, horse painting, ghost hunting, building death rays for fun and profit, arson or increasing tolerance for exotic poisons via micro-dosing. There’s a world of distractions available, to take your mind off the rainy season blues.
There can be no season of sun, bikinis, and pina coladas, without a season of rain, sweatpants and reruns. It’s a universal balance. Now is the time to curl up with the pet of your choice (except you fish people out there—this probably wouldn’t work as well for you), nestled together in a cozy blanket, so you can gently pet their fur or feathers, as you envy their inability to experience full self-awareness and the knowledge of certain mortality that comes along with it. Pour us a drink and make some room on the couch, huh? Because, however you choose to combat seasonal gloom, we always recommend a liberal dosing of alcohol. Nothing helps work through your malaise like a chemical depressant.
