We all know what’s ruining this city—
and, particularly, the music scene: all
the goddamn transplants! It’s obvious
what makes Portland the magical and
unique place we know and love are all
the people born and raised here, who
never left. They’re the glue that holds
this Hipsters’ Paradise together. The
previous, heroin-drenched utopia of
the ‘90s is quickly coming apart, with all
these Californians, Washingtonians and
Alaskans driving up the rent and crowding
our bars. People really need to stop
moving here, especially in the art scene.
All the true Portland artists aren’t getting
recognized, because these outsiders
are tainting the true Portland spirit...
The last official day of winter is March 20, but
as any local resident knows, we’re likely in for
another couple months (at least) of gloomy,
oppressive skies, rain, more rain, clouds and
more gloom. Accompanying this weather is
often the crushing, existential despair that
comes with staying indoors, deprived of sunlight
and human interaction. You sit alone,
examining your own life and the poor decisions
that led up to whatever meager, starvation-
level amount of joy you’re managing
to subsist on now. God, where did it all go
wrong?...
Most of us have jobs. Some of us make
enough working for ourselves, to not
need a regular job, but that’s as rare as an
inverse hot-to-crazy graph reading. There
are always people at work that make us
want to punch them in their stupid faces.
I have encountered every single type of
person on this list at least once (but, usually
more than once). I have been dealing
with one of these at my most recent place
of employment and since I’m reasonably
sure she can’t read, I’m going to vent
about her and so many more...right here,
right now...
My, oh my. What a city. Hi, I’m Jimmy Peehole.
If you’re reading this, you’re probably sad.
Your bohemian lifestyle hasn’t paid off like
you thought it would, and even though you
landed an extra gig on Portlandia, that just
taught you that improv is only as good as a
script’s foundation. Let’s face it—the state of
Oregon is more a state of suspended adolescence.
If you’re here, you’re probably queer
and you haven’t matured past 17 years, but
rest assured, this is where you belong. Hard
work is for suckers and we’re all gonna live
forever. Keeping that in mind, let’s step outside
of ourselves and take a look at some of
the many attractions waiting for us on the
playground of Portland...
There’s a small meet up in my town,
called "Coffee With A Cop," in which
bootlickers can sit down with fascists
and discuss things that affect
the community, like how to reduce
the amount of paraplegic black teens
who were accidentally mistaken for
an armed gunman. It’s a good way for
the average citizen to be able to shoot
the shit with a cop. So, I went and had
a discussion with one of them and
here’s how it went...
Shopping malls...they were once a
proud fixture of popular culture. A vibrant,
bustling place-to-be for shoppers
and bored youth alike. Now, they
lie barren and mostly empty. Their
popularity has diminished, with closures
by the hundreds striking the nation’s
once-vital shopping centers. It
seems that, with the advent of digital
shopping, people have decided that
the "experience" of going to the mall
isn’t worth the time, and like sensible
folks, choose to merely have things
delivered within a couple days. All
these closures still leave the buildings
unoccupied, waiting for their next
great purpose. What could that be?
Well, here are my suggestions...
Vegas strippers are stepping up their
game. The first-annual Las Vegas Stripper
Parade & Expo is set to launch this
summer. The three-day conference
aims to celebrate the art and culture
of strippers. According to organizers,
the goals of the event are to "improve
modern society’s relationship with
adult entertainment, praise the people
who work in this industry and bring sex
positivity, consent and freedom of expression
to the streets of Las Vegas."...
It’s March, which means that, all month
long, people will use their might-be ethnic
heritage as an excuse to consume alcohol at
such a rate that even the drunkest of murderous
Leprechauns would stop making
sequels and ask, "What the fuck, dude?" Personally,
I am Irish, so I know what that shit
can do to you—especially if you can "hold
your alcohol" (you’ll hold it in your liver, by
the way, until the doctors carve it out). Don’t
get me wrong—I love to drink, especially at
the fine clubs and bars that advertise in this
publication. However, I choose not to use
March 17 as an excuse to fill myself up with
so much liquor that I start throwing up Tom
Waits lyrics on my probably-not-attractivebut-
who-knows date...
I would like to thank Otto’s family for inviting
me here today, on the somber occasion
of his passing, to say a few words
about his professional life. Otto was a
modest man, who didn’t talk a lot about
his accomplishments, so there may be
some of you who are unfamiliar with his
career. Otto composed incidental music
for films—the music you hear in the
background, while the story unfolds on
the screen. It may seem like a small thing,
but this music contributes mightily to the
tone and feel of a film. And, at this niche
aspect of the movie business, Otto was an
absolute genius. The best in his field—bar
none...
Can you believe that I’m almost onethird
of the way done with my life
and I’m still writing for a cool-ass
magazine, hanging with hot women
half my age and staying up on all
the slang? I hate to be extra AF, but
I’m just gonna say it—life begins at
40. Sure, some more radical, pro-life
readers would insist that life begins
at conception, while the true feminists
know damn well that it doesn’t
start until eight weeks and four days
after the free clinic birth control stops
working. But, me? I’m barely a teen, as
far as anyone besides the law is concerned.
People ask me all the time
how I look so young, even though
I treat my body like a condemned
theme park. So, it is with great humility
and an equal amount of honor, that
I present to you these six, handy tips
for you, the reader, to embrace as you
approach my age...
A reader of Exotic recently wrote to me, asking,
"Hi, Christian, what are your favorite
things about strip clubs?" So, here it is, a list
of my favorite things, ascertaining towards
strip clubs...
