Most of us have jobs. Some of us make enough working for ourselves, to not need a regular job, but that’s as rare as an inverse hot-to-crazy graph reading. There are always people at work that make us want to punch them in their stupid faces. I have encountered every single type of person on this list at least once (but, usually more than once). I have been dealing with one of these at my most recent place of employment and since I’m reasonably sure she can’t read, I’m going to vent about her and so many more...right here, right now.
I remember, years ago, when I worked at Domino’s pizza and we got this new manager trainee who was just un-fuckingbelievably arrogant and douchey. The old manager had been fired for something— I don’t know (or care) what—and, the owner replaced him with this steaming pile of human garbage named Bryce. He would constantly brag about how much money he had, even though we knew what he made. He’d talk constantly about all the girls he was fucking, even though he looked like a starving bridge troll and never stopped talking about himself. And, of course, he was the toughest gangster on earth. It got so hard to deal with, my favorite phrase at work became "Shut up, Bryce, no one likes you." One time, he even had the audacity to invite himself out with me and a friend, and I literally said to him that no one would ever be friends with such an awful human. So, Bryce, if you’re still out there, go fuck yourself.
The cool, handsome, slacker guy comes in a variety of flavors, but always has the same basic markings. He’s handsome as fuck, charming as fuck, witty as fuck and everyone loves him, even as they are actively doing his job. Now, I hate this guy for a few reasons—mostly jealousy, but I’m sure there are other reasons, too. He has this hypnotizing effect on people, so no one ever seems to notice his fuckery— it’s like they feel so privileged to be talking to the guy, that they don’t see him only standing there talking and not using his hands to perform any tasks. Jealousy aside, it’s actually quite an impressive tactic, to be completely honest. He usually has some cool guy hobby he loves talking about, like snowboarding or training for a cage fight. Often, he plays guitar and loves bands like Nickelback.
Here’s the problem with the hot, popular girl: usually (but, not universally), she isn’t actually hot. When we are stuck at work, we are sometimes stuck looking at some marginally attractive people, at best. So, the longer you’re there, the more definitive a hierarchy of attractiveness one creates in their head. The hot, popular girl is usually the girl who’s perceived by most to be the most attractive of a substandard sample group. She is basically the same as the handsome, slacker guy, without any of the redeeming personality traits (like being charming, or nice). She can pretty much be awful to people because everyone wants to fuck her, so she doesn’t need to draw anyone in or be kind to anyone.
This type of shitty coworker usually looks greasy for no reason and usually wears the worst clothes from the Walmart clearance rack. He’s probably a huge wrestling fan—or, worse, he collects decorative katana swords and nunchucks. He may also be identified by a fedora hat with a T-shirt that displays a flag or a wolf howling at the moon. He almost always has a really weird catchphrase that he never, ever changes in any way—not even vocal inflection. Like, every day when you see him and say how’s it going, he’ll say, "Livin’ the dream, livin’ the dream..." in the same tone—always twice and every goddamn time. Eventually, you’ll have to stop greeting him out of self-preservation, because you still go to prison for murder, even if it’s a service to fellow humans.
Some people have figured out that they can get away with being stupider (and, lazier) than everyone else, if they do a few things. I work with with a girl right now— let’s call her "Olive"—who constantly talks shit about me behind my back. Every single time I come back from another work area or a break, literally everyone else I work with asks me why she hates me so much and tells me everything she did and said while I was gone. She runs to management every time I do anything she thinks is wrong and she seems to think I don’t know these things, so she’s still trying to manipulate me into thinking we’re cool...trust me, Olive, we aren’t cool. Sometimes management sees this behavior and realizes what’s happening, but other times, they don’t see a fucking thing and are happy to believe that the Olives of the world are awesome employees. Either way, I think out of every person on this list, Olives are the worst and most annoying to deal with—and, are also the most likely to bring you down with them.
