Shopping malls...they were once a proud fixture of popular culture. A vibrant, bustling place-to-be for shoppers and bored youth alike. Now, they lie barren and mostly empty. Their popularity has diminished, with closures by the hundreds striking the nation’s once-vital shopping centers. It seems that, with the advent of digital shopping, people have decided that the "experience" of going to the mall isn’t worth the time, and like sensible folks, choose to merely have things delivered within a couple days. All these closures still leave the buildings unoccupied, waiting for their next great purpose. What could that be? Well, here are my suggestions.
Ever hear of hydroponics? It’s what makes your weed easy to grow in an indoor environment, with maximum yield, minimal parasites and the best product you can turn out, while still being in a fat dude’s basement, away from the eyes of the law. What if, instead of regular shops containing sundried goods, it was micro farms with the best fruits, vegetables and weed you can grow, in 1,200-squarefeet stalls? It could be like a farmer’s market, but doesn’t have to be delivered from miles away and features no dirt on the carrots.
Food courts are passé. Let’s remove the skylights, allow the weather in, let the fumes out and gut the food court. Just put oh-so-trendy food carts in its place and let the low-cost start-ups run roughshod over your taste buds. Wait, why does this need to be pseudo- indoors? Shut up, that’s why.
It used to be that no shopping mall was worth its salt, unless it had an ice-skating rink as a centerpiece. Well, blow the dust off the Zamboni and let’s run that bitch all over the whole damn place. Ice-skating rink? No, no. Ice skating everywhere! It is presumed that vicious ice-skating gangs will form, in order to prey on the weak, who cannot even do a single axel.
Spencer’s Gifts is a shopping-mall mainstay, and without the mall, how will they prey on people drawn to impulse novelty purchases? Easy. They become the entire building. Step on in to the grand foyer, where you’ll see a Spencer’s Gifts. After that, amble down the hall to a series of Spencer’s Gifts, and finally, after a long afternoon of perusing the wares at Spencer’s Gifts, go on up to the Spencer’s food court, where people wearing magic eye posters and holding rubber lizards will fill your food hole, with only the most satisfying of UV-reactive foods.
It’s an entire building—a shopping mall, but you’re splatting it up with paint, as a 24-hour paintball megaplex dominates the ghost of shopping past. Live out your Dawn Of The Dead fantasies, in epic zombies-versus- humans survival matches, or just enjoy the comfort of indoor, climatecontrolled urban combat simulation. Once the Fortnite kids realize they can Carlton dance in real life over the fallen, paint-soaked form of their defeated enemy, they’ll never want to leave (and, will at least be getting some fucking exercise, damnit).
Yep, you guessed it. An internally contained red light district. Instead of stores, well, uh...whores! Catering to each gender preference and every possible kink, how could a 200,000-square-foot sex pavilion ever do poorly? Legislation pending, but I think people might want to spend time in malls again, if this one came into being.
We’re familiar with the concept of a "megachurch"—a church with over 2,000 people at any given service. Well, what if we had an abundance of churches...all in the same place? From Muslims, to Presbyterians, to Hindus, to Zoroastrians. A macromegachurch. There’s absolutely nothing religious people want to do, than hang out on their holy day with other religions. Sorry, no synagogue (insurance reasons). Snake handlers aplenty, though!
It’s like the giant brothel, plus the paintball place. Anything goes, as you navigate the labyrinth of both artificial obstacles and very real prostitutes, who are vying for your business. Don’t get caught with your pants down, as you struggle for dominance of both the gaming field and your own desires. The ultimate game. May the best player win.
They already walk malls anyhow. Keep them contained, with maximum distractions and reasonably retrained former food court workers providing round-the-clock care. That way, there’s minimal risk of them not only experiencing the outside world while they wait to die, but even seeing it. Visitors can still get a baked potato on the promenade, too.
Why not? Another legislation-pending idea, micro-casinos could be the way of the future. Strut from casino to casino along an entirely indoor "strip," with drink in hand and money to burn. Bonus—the facility would even have its own gambling clinics and rehab facilities. You could literally take an escalator from sin to salvation and back again!
Oh, wait...that’s already at the mall. Hmm. Well, there you have it. What to do with these giant buildings which once dominated the shopping habits and social lives of a solid generation or two, but now stand empty. I mean, it’s either this or just let the crackheads take them over and then wrangle them into...
No investment required—just abandon the properties and let nature take its course. The most despicable of people will quickly move to claim the space and then it will be simplicity itself to close all the doors to coordinate a Thunderdome-like scenario, that can be televised via anonymous webcam and bet on by the highest of rollers from around the globe.
I only hope at least one of these comes to pass.
Happy shopping,
