It’s March, which means that, all month long, people will use their might-be ethnic heritage as an excuse to consume alcohol at such a rate that even the drunkest of murderous Leprechauns would stop making sequels and ask, "What the fuck, dude?" Personally, I am Irish, so I know what that shit can do to you—especially if you can "hold your alcohol" (you’ll hold it in your liver, by the way, until the doctors carve it out). Don’t get me wrong—I love to drink, especially at the fine clubs and bars that advertise in this publication. However, I choose not to use March 17 as an excuse to fill myself up with so much liquor that I start throwing up Tom Waits lyrics on my probably-not-attractivebut- who-knows date.
For me, this is a month that should be dedicated to planning ahead—only a few weeks until 4/20, folks. And, what fun is that holiday, if your tolerance is so low that you can’t even make it through the evening? It’s time, fellow stoners and stonettes, to prep yourself, before you wreck yourself. Forget drunken shenanigans, let us focus on a few ways to increase your weed tolerance, so that you can keep up with the big blunts next month.
Are you a bartender? Stripper? DJ? Ignore this part—you already get high before work, regardless of the season. I’m talking to stockbrokers, surgeons, cops...people with shit to lose. The absolute best way to learn how to function better while high, is to be forced to function under the influence of cannabis, on the job. If I’m just sitting around, cleaning the house, a joint or two won’t do anything but make me focus on one coffee stain for a few hours, before realizing that it doesn’t look that much like Harambe and that I should probably put the camera away. But, imagine having to keep your head cool while, say, pursuing a suspect during a high-speed chase, handling a billionaire’s trading account or cutting the cancer out of a little boy—that would be intense as fuck! And, you don’t want to lose your job, right? Right. So, your body will naturally adapt and your reaction skills, handeye coordination and all that will adjust accordingly. By the end of the month, you’ll be shooting bad guys, alpha trading and saving lives...with a lit blunt in your mouth and dab grease on your fingers.
I read somewhere, recently, that sugar, not fat, is what makes people fat. And, that makes sense, because I know that people who eat lots of fatty food are really sweet— science is weird like that. Maybe this is one of those "Girls who say they like nice guys, but then masturbate to Ted Bundy" scenarios, but it’s science, nonetheless. Point is, cut out sugar, double down on the fat. The easiest way—for me, at least—is garlic toast. Ho-lee-shit, I could eat my own weight in garlic bread, if given the chance. And, what is garlic bread? Bread (gotta use wheat, to avoid the sugar), with a fuckton of butter and garlic salt. It tastes like what I imagine the vaginal juice of the Virgin Mary did, before God knocked her up—even better than Frank’s Red Hot Sauce on bacon. But, why are we eating butter? Because, that is where THC is stored (supposedly). If your homemade weed cookies suck, it’s because you don’t let the herb soak into the butter first. See? Science! Butter plus weed equals best friends for life. So, in theory, eat as much fat, as quick as possible. Avoid sugars and you’ll be fine. This will prepare you for mass cannabis consumption. But, with that said...
This may sound odd, but hear me out—cannabis food and cannabis smoke produce two very, very different highs. The high produced by eating pot is, well, not as much a "high," as it is a low-key acid trip. You don’t get hungry, dry-eyed or the giggles after eating too many gummy treats—you become violently paranoid, begin laughing like a maniac and then fall asleep in a Winco (I speak from experience and I know I’m not alone). Two different highs, folks. So, if you prep your body for a tolerance to brownies— but forget to prep up for a tolerance against blunts—you’re pretty much fucked, because your tolerance for the physical high is through the roof, but your tolerance for the fun, smoke-and-exhale type of high is at an all-time low. This will end up leaving you a one-hit wonder in some ways, while being completely impenetrable to the substance in others. It will still take you ten blunts to feel fuzzy, but you’ll be dizzy by that point and will likely start spinning, until the entire Eminem song is finished. In fact, just avoid edibles entirely if you’re just consuming pot for fun.
I’m currently seeing one of those chicks who people accuse of being on coke all the time, but she doesn’t even touch coffee—let alone cocaine. We smoke bowl, after bowl, after bowl, after bowl...and, nothing, as far as her slowing down. This can be a good or bad thing, depending on the situation, but it’s been a fantastic test of my actual weed tolerance. It’s customary and polite, to keep up with your significant other’s drug habit, regardless of their substance of choice. I mean, who wants to go through withdrawals alone, right? Rehab is no fun when you’re rolling solo. Therefore, find yourself a woman with a super-high tolerance and keep up. After all, it’s rude to say "No, thanks," if your partner hasn’t finished her weed yet. There are sober kids in Gresham, okay? Be grateful and finish your pot.
If you do the above, you’ll be like the Rocky of weed, ready to take all the hits, get back up and keep going. I’ll see you all at Del Taco around 6pm.
