My, oh my. What a city. Hi, I’m Jimmy Peehole. If you’re reading this, you’re probably sad. Your bohemian lifestyle hasn’t paid off like you thought it would, and even though you landed an extra gig on Portlandia, that just taught you that improv is only as good as a script’s foundation. Let’s face it—the state of Oregon is more a state of suspended adolescence. If you’re here, you’re probably queer and you haven’t matured past 17 years, but rest assured, this is where you belong. Hard work is for suckers and we’re all gonna live forever. Keeping that in mind, let’s step outside of ourselves and take a look at some of the many attractions waiting for us on the playground of Portland!
*Cue Madonna’s "This Used To Be My Playground," for those of you reading at home*
"You must be this high to ride Mood Swing Set." Boy, you said it! Whether you’re suffering from Seasonal Affective Disorder after moving from a sunnier climate, or just flatout clinically depressed, the Mood Swing Set has stood the test of time and continues to be Portland’s most popular attraction. Unfortunately, just like over-priced brunch with someone you can barely tolerate (who just swallowed your load half an hour ago, so you kinda have to just go with them on this, even though you’d rather still be asleep in your bed with three warm cats), you’re going to have to wait to be seated.
*Cue Tom Petty’s "The Waiting," for those of you still reading at home*
After all, mood swings have to run their course and you can never quite tell when the ride will end.
"Wow, feels like I’ve seen *appropriate pronoun* somewhere before!" Well, my friend, that’s because YOU HAVE! Although technically a city, Portland’s population is dense enough that you will keep fucking the same people over and over AND over! Even people that broke your heart, who you never wish to see again and thought you had blocked, will keep popping up on dating applications, social media websites and high definition, digitally remastered porn! *Kisses fingers* Yes, it’s all enough to make you dizzy, trip, fall over, get your head stomped in, have no one notice and want to run home to mother!
*Cue Danzig’s "Mother" for those of you still still reading at home (Geez, get outside for crying out loud...no wonder you’re depressed)*
Alas, you’re broke, and your parents don’t want you back home because of your "reefer" habit, so I guess you’re here for now—stuck in the circle of life known as the Dating-Merry- Go-Round.
*Oh! Okay. Turn off "Mother" and put on "Merry Go Round" by Mótley Crúe*
So, you’ve worked your way up the corporate ladder, broken through that glass ceiling and just put a down payment on your new home. Good for you! Bad news is, your company just outsourced your position and won’t be renewing the lease on your office building, as it’s now going to be a bunch of microstudios with a microbrewery. What should you do? What else?! Enjoy the ride, my friend! It’s all downhill from here! Your position has become obsolete and you are spiraling like a motherfucker. WHEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!
*Uh, hmmm...put on some slide-appropriate music, I guess? Kind of blanking on this one. I’ll go make some more coffee and come back strong on the next, I promise*
Ah, yes! What better foundation for protecting your fragile ego, than the air of pretension? Built from a steady influx of arrogant ideal about how music should sound, food should taste, beer should be made and people should act, no one will dare bring you down from the heights of this marvel of modern meta-architecture! As long as your head stays far up your own ass, you should be safe. Stay on your guard though, uh, Joh-? Willi-? Staci-? Friend! (I admit, in true Portland fashion, I have forgotten your name altogether, as it didn’t register as important in my mental Rolodex). Because, every so often, you will have to fend off personal attacks from someone on this playground’s next attraction— The High Horse.
*Shit, coffee’s still brewing. Ah, fuck. Okay. Try humming some Modest Mouse? They’re really pretentious and their lead rapist, er, singer, lives here. Catchy stuff!*
From the smallest man to the biggest lady, who doesn’t enjoy bopping along on their High Horse? Spring loaded for action, High Horses are the only things that can penetrate Fort Pretentious, because no matter how much of an awful person you truly are at heart, you’re safe atop your High Horse— never faltering from your holier-than-thou opinion.
*Cue Metallica’s "Holier Than Thou." Yes! Nailed it for the last one! Great job, Me!*
So, there you have it! Portland sure is a magnificent playground, where all us kids can play. Full of ups and downs, twists and turns, subs and doms, dos and don’ts, sex and candy, etc. As long as you set out to have fun— and, don’t give too much merit to what the mean kids say—you’ll be just fine. Who knows? Maybe, one day, you’ll even grow up. I’m Jimmy Peehole. Thanks for reading.
*Cue MIA’s "Jimmy"*
