When we think of drugs, we often think of the illicit. But, a drug is, by its very definition, "a medicine or other substance, which has a physiological effect when ingested or otherwise introduced into the body." It’s true, that some drugs are more fun than others. Remember that shameful time in middle school, when you tried snorting powdered Advil? No? Was that just us? Regardless, they all have their place. We’ve cashed in all our favors with friends in pharmaceutical development and marketing this month (it’s just one guy named Toby—we bought him a six pack and a pizza to butter him up), to get the inside scoop on what upcoming medicationally marvelous things we can expect in the next few years. Here’s what he had to say.
Everyone we know these days is freaked out by clowns. Is it cultural conditioning? Perhaps, it’s our discomfort in finding spherical red noses sexually enticing? Or, a disproportionately traumatic memory about when a guy dressed in a clown suit who murdered our family? I mean, really, at this point, it hardly matters. What does matter, is that clowns are distressing. Coulrophobinate can help. Never feel irrational terror again, when you see a colorful, silk ruff covered in blood. May cause dizziness, fatigue, sleep murders, juggalomorphosis, hysteria and hallucinations. Do not take if you’re currently using MAOI inhibitors, blood thinners or one-a-day vitamins shaped like clowns.
You want to be on the cultural and social bandwagon. All your friends have become SJWs and you feel morally deficient, because it just doesn’t make any fucking sense at all to you. Try new Toleratitol. It’s guaranteed to cause self-righteous indignation at even the vaguest whiff of any opinion that does not align perfectly with your own. Fit in with your friends and finally "get" Huffington Post articles. Side effects may include a desire to stand in the rain holding homemade signs, being blocked by about half your friends on social media (and, silently resented by another quarter), hives in the shape of Bernie Sanders’ head, loss of "inside voice" and possible veganism. Talk to your naturopath/homeopath/witch doctor/whatever-quack-you-prefer before staring Toleratitol.
This marvelous, new vaccine against autism is a wonder of modern science. It’s packed with all-natural ingredients, like dihydrogen monoxide, gingko fruit extract, colloidal silver, pure, good intentions, powder-charged crystals and a proprietary blend of aromatherapy oils. It’s blessed by a nondenominational spiritual guidance counselor and costs only slightly less than the mortgage payment for your upscale, craftsman home. Side effects may include a vague sense of cognitive dissonance and severe itching.
The major benefit of new Okaytronite is that it has very little potential for abuse—unlike many other mood-altering drugs. While it does cure depression completely and totally, its side effects include profoundly malodorous sores, genital deformations and alcohol intolerance—all things that (we, at least) would rather be depressed than deal with.
Everyone is always excited about new and promising anti-aging medications, and this revolutionary pill is no exception. Within hours, you’ll see wrinkles vanishing and the glow of your youth returning. Grey hairs fall out and are replaced by healthy, pigmented strands. Saggy balls and floppy breasts lift by themselves back into their ideal positions. Youthantromax may cause a slough of all the terrible things you forgot about your youth, such as mental confusion, angst, poor decision-making, severe acne, bad taste in everything, not being able to talk to girls, invasive, unwanted hard-ons all the damn time and a seriously misplaced feeling of indestructability.
This fascinating experimental drug forces your DNA to evolve at a rate 100,000x faster than the normal rate. What’s the next step in human evolution? Pretty soon, we’ll each find out for ourselves. Results vary, but often include reduction in back pain, higher intelligence, resistance to emotional stressors, heightened physical fitness, better eyesight, longer lives, faster reflexes, sexual endurance/performance improvement, resistance to most disease and better skin. Most laboratory results are extremely positive and the Evolvatrex scientists assure me that the rate of metamorphosis into hideous monsters is almost negligible.
So many of us live hectic existences that leave us with no time for recreation. We lament how few hours we have in the day and often end up depriving ourselves of much-needed sleep, to complete the tasks our lives and obligations require. We take dangerous stimulants that cloud our minds and harm our bodies. Here, for you, is Somnumnulla—the only true anti-sleep aid! Somnumnulla doesn’t just keep you awake, it entirely removes the need for sleep!!! Now, you can go to work, finish your taxes, clean your apartment, make dinner and still have time for that alien conspiracy group. Side effects may include—but, are not limited to—addiction, depression, excess salivation, violent outbursts, waking nightmares from which there is no escape and, occasionally, hives.
If you could see your future for the next week, you could succeed in ways you can hardly imagine. Our team has formulated this physics-bending, probability detection chemical compound to help you get ahead in life. Though not totally accurate, your chances of picking a winning lottery number are exponentially increased after using this drug. There do not appear to be any temporal side effects, yet. The chemists and physicists who developed this miraculous substance assure us it’s safe for...well, there’s this one crazy scientist guy who keeps blathering on about "liquefying time" and "Chronometric collapse," but he’s just been taking too much of his own medicine. Side effects include occasional brain melting, hysteria and depression.
Toby assures us that this list is completely accurate and he’s generally a pretty solid guy, so this is probably at least 60% true.
