PornHub, the world’s premier pornographic website, receives over 100 million hits per day as of the end of 2018. They log and aggregate all the searches on their site and feature over 120 years—in length—of video content. The most popular searches tend to be boring and predictable, as most people are boring and predictable, even when they’re alone, the shades are pulled and the pants are down. However, the *least* popular searches tend to be far more interesting. So, let’s have a look at them and see what the least of us do with their "alone time."
All the below stats collected by proprietary methods.
Dolphin Molestation - I am unclear as to whether this refers to molesting dolphins or being molested by dolphins.
Non-Euclidean Reverse Cowgirl - Because, to hell with classical geometry in the bedroom.
McDonald’s Shake Machine Cosplay - One party dresses as a shake machine and the other party (or parties) beat on them, trying to get them to produce fluids.
Crab Boatin’ - Intercourse between two people who have so many lice, it causes their crotches to look like flesh-colored sleeping bags full of guinea pigs.
Office Depot Stockroom - Do you like toner cartridges being creatively misused? Well, here’s your thing.
Gilbertizing - Normal moans and grunts have been replaced with shrill noises made my actor Gilbert Gottfried.
High Timing - Pornstars arrive on set ready to "git it on," but then, they smoke a few bongloads to the dome and end up just sitting around, playing video games.
The Mighty Dicks - Very small hockey gear adorns some of porn’s most practiced pricks, in what turned out to be a rather unpopular effort to cash in on nostalgia.
Yakety Sex - Sizzling scenes play out in high speed, to the tune of "Yakety Sax," also known as the music from Benny Hill.
Cooze Cruise - This genre follows various entitled MILFs, as they go on vacation at sea. It documents their innate dissatisfaction with everything and constant complaining, instead of sex.
Australian Rules Foreplay - Steamy couples meet up in dark rooms, unaware of whom they are with, and when the lights are turned on, the room is full of spiders!
Indian Advances - These keywords bring up footage of all the women who are turned on by hairy Indian uncles asking for "bobs and vagene." There’s something like six whole seconds of footage.
Ninja Style - A mysterious man in black enters a room, to discover a lovely and willing co-ed. Then, BAM! A puff of smoke fills the screen and our lady is left with a confused expression—and semen—on her face, while the man in black is nowhere to be seen.
Fudge Packers Union - Burly, hairy men alone in a warehouse sweat and grunt all night, as they box up chocolate confections to be shipped in the morning.
The Devil’s Onion Ring - A man dressed like Satan tries to bargain random people, from off the street, to have sex in exchange for a 400 pounds (181.4kg) of onion rings.
Anus McPenis - This video series follows a man named Anus McPenis throughout his daily life, which consists of no sex and mostly repeatedly (and, unsuccessfully, due to a cruel judge) filing for name changes.
Presto Log - Heavily greased pornstars spend time drinking Sterno and eating stove pellets, in order to see if they can have flammable poop.
Clown-Eyed Joe - Regular porn, but with a disapproving clown face in the corner of the screen that stares at you for the length of the video.
Bigger Bang Theory - This parody porn is as unsexy as its source material is unfunny, but instead of a laugh track, it features a sex noise track.
Mike Tyson’s Eat-Out - These disturbing film clips feature boxer Mike Tyson trying to talk sexy, during a series of allegedly erotic acts.
Cramberries - Amateurs attempt to shoplift produce, using only their genitalia.
Judge Judy And Sexecutioner - Judge Judy lookalikes get pounded in their leathery end zones.
SpongeBob SquarePenis - Square pegs in round holes. Kids love it.
Amish Ride Or Die - Hours and hours of hot butter-churning. Literal butter-churning. Mmm, those calloused hands...
Baby Back - A man and woman try to have sex, while the gentleman sings the Chili’s "Baby Back Ribs" song without stopping.
Wonkaland - Standard porn, but at the end, a group of Oompa Loompas come out of nowhere and sing songs about the perils of getting jizz on the furnishings.
Consent Wars - Just 40 minutes of genderfluid twentysomethings saying, "Are you okay with me removing your shoes/kissing your cheek/taking off this sock? What about this one?" This continues until, no, in fact, the other sock is too much and both parties end up just leaving abruptly.
InfoPorn - It’s regular porn, but Alex Jones narrates and breathes heavily into the microphone the whole time.
So, there you have it. A list of the LEAST popular searches on the world’s largest porn site. This is the bottom of an already scummy barrel and the research here meant digging pretty deep. If any of these items sound arousing to you, then I don’t know what to say...except, possibly, "Thanks for being the best of the worst."
