As a self-described scene critic, it is my job to make extremely lazy and over-generalized observations of the music community, based on nothing more than deep-seated prejudices. Which makes me no different than any other critic, ever—especially when it comes to music. Regardless, you are lying if you claim to go to shows and not do a quick size-up of the band—deciding immediately whether or not they are going to be worth your time. It’s just an efficiency thing. If you can find out whether or not the group will be any good before they even play the first note, it’ll be that much easier to get your three dollars back from the door guy.
Not to be a guitar-centrist, but it’s just an easy instrument to judge someone by. If you own one of the guitars listed below and are offended in any way, good—this applies to you and you’re offended, because it’s true.
If you are a poor show-goer who is tired of spending their hard earned sweaty pocket dollars on sub-par acts, please use this list as a guide of what to expect ,when you see these axes resting innocently on their guitar stands on the stage (cough corner) of the bar.
Rather than try to suss out the nature of the little musical combo’s content by how often they wash their hair and what ‘90s celebrity they have screen printed on their shirt, I give you a more comprehensive list to see if this band is worth watching.
You are mostly likely old, white and overweight. I can guarantee that your favorite guitarists can be skimmed off the top of Rolling Stone’s list a few years back and you constantly complain about this newfangled rap music all the kids are talking about. I am also certain every one of your songs will sound like a bad Led Zeppelin cover. Your interest in the blues is solely for the purpose of trying to sound like your favorite British ’60s rock bands. You probably play it through a Marshall JVM, too, you fucking baby boomer.
You are apparently a thirteen-year old, living in the early 2000s and your favorite band is Slipknot. It’s 2019, what in the living hell are you doing playing a B.C. Rich? Do you run that thing through a Boss Metal Zone into some tiny, line-six combo amp, to create the loudest, most toneless guitar tone to deafen everyone in the small club you’re playing in? Why are you playing a Warlock? Those weren’t cool in 1999 and they sure as shit aren’t cool now. As an audience member, if you see one of these on a stage, do everyone—including the guitarist—a favor and set it on fire.
Ahhh...the Les Paul’s more cost-effective cousin. This guitar is a bit of a wild card. Its solid tone and reasonable price attract a wide variety of players, from obnoxious AC/DC tribute bands to unhinged post-hardcore acts. This is a pretty universal tool of rock. If you were to wander into a local watering hole to see an SG leaning on the amp, you could be in store for some high-energy, raucous punk or you’re about to see Zombie Mary Ford—there is no in-between.
Fuck you and get off the stage! Unless you’re Robert Smith.
You are clearly trying too hard if this is your "guitar" of choice. The keytar, like the saxophone, has tried time and time again to be a staple of rock ’n’ roll. While it finds its way into little pockets here and there, it’s just never going to completely fit in. Not for lack of trying, though. Although used in everything from cheesy, coked-out ‘80s pop to jazz fusion (good on Herbie Hancock for stubbornly trying to make this abomination seem cool), it’s just impossible not to giggle, when you see someone rocking out with one of these. One thing is for sure—if you decide this is how you’re gonna front for your little musical group, you are swinging for the fences. I highly recommend show-goers stick around if there’s actually a fucking keytar on stage, ’cause God only knows what you’re in store for.
You are A-okay in everyone’s book. The Jazzmaster is the new Les Paul (of thirty years ago). It is invited to all the parties and everyone wants to be its friend. While the Jazzmaster has always been a staple of the rock scene—and, specifically, the indie music scene—it has lately become the flagship of all guitars. You could be in the whiniest Arcade Fire-ripoff softboi band or a hardcore meltdown. You could even be in a live band hip hop group. It’s anyone’s guess. Every guitarist playing in a band today uses a Jazzmaster—it is the rule. If you, the audience member, see this guitar on stage, this just means you are at a rock show somewhere in America. It is important to note that one thing the Fender Jazzmaster is never, ever under ANY circumstances used for is jazz.
