When I first noticed my yeast infection, I figured "no biggie." They’re pretty commonplace, not life threatening, etc. But, after striking out with an assortment of over-the-counter cures, I ended up in the stirrups at my gyno’s office. These professionals specialize in maintaining their demeanor in front of a patient, so when I glanced over my bush and saw the look on her face, I got concerned—that, plus right afterward when she stepped aside and puked in a trash can. Uh oh.
Apparently, I’m setting records when it comes to skanky hoohoos—especially when it comes to discharges. I got second and third opinions, industrial strength ointments, suppositories, creams...nada. It’s chronic and I’ll just have to live with it. Thanks a lot, medical science.
This is pretty discouraging as you might expect. But, after a week of sitting around itching and feeling sorry for myself, I thought, "Hey, I gotta get on with life." That’s when it hit me—I’m crankin’ out a shit-ton of yeast, so why not start my own craft brew?
I have a buddy who brews his own beer, so I reached out to him on the basics. I decided to start with ales, since they have lower gravity and require less yeast. I mean, my snapper gushes like a fracked oil well, but even I have to be realistic about quantity, if I’m going to scale from a hobby into a business. I bought the brewing paraphernalia online and set up shop in my garage. I tweaked the hops, grains and malt mix to get the wort to my liking, then pitched in my secret ingredient to kick off the fermentation. After some trial and error, I produced my first five-gallon batch.
Pretty damned good, if I may say so myself! I took a sample to a local expert, for his opinion. He described it as, "Hearty for ale, with a curious amber tone and an intriguing background taste of cheddar and sardines." With my formulae set, I turned my attention to sales and marketing.
First, the name. I wanted something catchy and connected to the special sauce behind it all. After noodling it for a while, I settled on Puh-See Poo-See Pale Ale. Interesting wrinkle here—it turns out that pussy (having pus) and pussy (my snatch) are spelled exactly the same! If I spelled them both correctly, they would likely be read wrong on the label. That’s why I had to go with phonetic spellings.
After some artful persuasion (blowjob), I managed to get the editor of the local newspaper to do a writeup on me in the food and drink section, which got me some initial attention. Then, I approached a couple of local pub owners I know with some free samples and cajoled them (more blowjobs) to stock my brew. That led to my first sales and I was off to the races!
It takes a little extra work to get the volume of yeast needed to make a business out of this. I wear a pad during the day, when I’m out and about. Then, I wring it out like a wet dish rag in a pail, when I get home. In the evening, it’s easier. I bought one of those little portable potties with the stainless steel legs and a little plastic bucket under the seat. I sit on that bare ass and watch TV, while I drip away. I watch salacious stuff, because I leak more when I’m all lubed up.
Fortunately, craft beers are snooty enough to fetch a premium price. I sell mine for five bucks a bottle and the bars mark it up for a comfortable margin. A five-gallon batch works out to about fifty twelve-ounce bottles, once you sift out the residual mash and some stray pubes. I ooze enough yeast for two five-gallon batches a week. I considered stretching my personal yeast by blending it with standard liquid brewing yeast, but I decided against that, because I didn’t want to compromise product integrity. Still, 100 bottles a week works out to about two grand a month, which pays a lot of bills. Long story short, I was able to turn an unfortunate medical condition into a solid home-based business. Is America great or what? Like the saying goes, "If life hands you lemons, make lemonade!" Only in this case, it’s not lemonade—it’s a tasty craft brew. And, okay, it’s not lemons—it’s a festering twat.
I’ve pretty much hit capacity on the beer thing. But, I’ve established some strong branding, which I plan to leverage going forward. I’m only in my early thirties, so I figure I have over a decade of menstruating ahead of me. Anyone for a tasty craft bloody mary mix?
