The rules surrounding appropriate behavior during this time of pandemic uncertainty are constantly changing. Thankfully, we are here to provide you with this list of...
*Restaurant workers will be forced to check their temperature, attitude and political beliefs before starting a shift.
*All mask-related public freak-out videos must be accompanied by Mortal Kombat theme music.
*Kate Brown’s updated announcements regarding re-opening must be distanced at least six hours apart.
*The term "China Virus" is problematic and will be phased out, eventually being replaced by the more inclusive "China (And, Yes, That Includes Hong Kong Now, But No One Seems To Be Outraged) Virus."
*Flat Earth Society will continue to refrain from using the phrase "flatten the curve" in their benefit, until reading about it in a local magazine and giving us our due credit.
*Ugly people will begin to breed in staggering numbers, as the phrase "Sorry, I keep it on even during sex" becomes an accepted stance on safe intercourse.
*Additional stimulus checks will be given to all Americans, regardless of income status—but, they will be distributed exclusively in Dogecoin.
*For some reason, MySpace will come back (but, sadly, your favorite 2003-era internet rappers will not).
*Crips, Bloods and other gangs will organize a class-action lawsuit against mainstream society for people suddenly being okay with (and, even mandated to wear) colored bandanas over their face.
*Doctors, news anchors and public officials will wait until the weekend after the election before allowing Ashton Kutcher to appear on camera and let everyone know that this was all a big joke.
