Exotic Magazine - Issue 322
Volume 28 - Number 2 (August, 2020)
by Esmeralda Rupp-Spangle
Dominating the headlines, currently all I see is Coronavirus this and Wuhan that. It’s easy to get fatigued from the non-stop barrage of media. Regardless of whether you’re laughing it off as an over-hyped flu or living in an underground bomb shelter packed with M.R.E.s, guns and six years of toilet paper, it’s easy to get over-saturated with something like this. In that spirit, here’s an overview of some historically notable medical problems. Some are absolutely true and some turned out to be...less so. Despite that, they’re all funnier than drowning in your own fluids...
by Johnny Bonghit
Sup, y’all. Johnny Bonghit here. That’s, uh, not my real name, but you know, I use it for writing and shit. Writing about drugs! April this year was 4/20 for a whole month or something, which was something like Drug Christmas...or more like Drugsgiving.
Why is 4/20 significant? Well, it’s not for being Hitler’s birthday. He liked drugs and stuff, but was otherwise not that cool of a guy. Nah, it’s because, at some point in time, like in the ’60s or something, the number "420" was a police code for "people getting high." At least, that’s what Brian told me in Junior English class like five years ago, and his uncle was a cop, so he probably heard that from the horse’s mouth. Anyhow, he was a cool guy and I trust him, because we used to go under the bleachers and burn one before gym class.
What was I saying though? Oh yeah! Drugs!!! Well, I, your humble author, have taken it upon myself to catalog nuggets(!) and tidbits of information on all the new drugs. 2020 is a different year. And yeah, we all still like to smoke dank nugs and do the occasional bump of blow, but the new stuff is different and bold—despite usually just being for the kids.
Ghost Milk
This is a powerful sedative, cut with some kind of household cleaners. It has a milky, opaque appearance. Drinking an ounce or two of this will put you into a stupor for like an hour or two, during which time it is perfectly acceptable to drool and watch some Spongebob...
by Wombstretcha
Since the advent of commercial cinema in the early 20th century, there have been many, many films which have come and gone over the years.
Some have been great and some have been awful, but this list subjects the film industry to an unusual criticism: the film’s title.
The title sells the movie—it is thought—and, throughout time, people have tried to give their flicks unorthodox, unusual or just plain bizarre names—regardless of content...
by DJ HazMatt
Most readers may not know this, but I am an unlicensed and self-appointed professional in the realm of substances and behavioral science. Please take everything I say here as actual fact and do not consult a professional for any reason before ingesting a chemical based on the advice of a strip club DJ—treat yo self...
by Ray McMillin
Local industry news and events...
Featuring Isabelle from Cheetahs XXX Cabaret...
by DiscountTherapist
So, two years ago, I talked to another woman, because I was always getting yelled at for drinking too much. I screwed up and I know I did—no physical contact, but I emotionally cheated. I know I screwed up. I’ve been pretty perfect, when it comes to talking to anyone else about what’s going on in our marriage. She’s going to therapy for her family’s past. I support that. But, it makes me nervous that they talk about me. Super lame, because I’m so insecure about it! She tells me I have no right to bitch, because I put her through the same thing. She’s not wrong. But, I’m trying to better myself every day and when she wants to go out with this friend I’ve never met. I ask for her to call me and tell me she’s okay. And, I get nothing except told that I put her through the same thing and have no right to question her. I used to go out with coworkers until about 8pm and show up fucked up. I was so stressed, that I had to literally pay $5,000 in bills after taxes—I couldn’t breathe. I am actually not worried about money anymore because of a promotion, but she met new friends and hangs out ’til 3am and doesn’t text, call or even let me know she is okay. I only asked for her to call when she needed a ride, no matter what time. She never calls or answers, and she says her phone is in her purse (which I actually believe). What do I do?
Dear Humble Husband...
by Blazer Sparrow
Halfway through writing a contrived piece about the best stoner rock albums to smoke stones to, I realized such an article was simply too basic bitch for the high standards I set for my editorials. Plus, I don’t enjoy cannabis. Fight me. This is, however, the infamous DRUG issue of our beloved Exotic (well, it was supposed to be before Covid messed up our schedule...how ironic) and I need to stick to theme. While not brainstorming too hard on really good albums inspired by, featuring and alluding to our favorite little green leaf, I thought I could take a hard left and think of some other drugs that have inspired some pop music classics. Besides, there’s already a zillion pieces about the best albums to blaze to and it’s always the same goddamn ringers like Sleep’s Dopesmoker, Dr. Dre’s The Chronic and who cares by Bob Marley. You fine, scholarly readers of this prestigious titty rag deserve something different...something better.
A good friend and fellow musician, whose bass amp I am still indefinitely borrowing, used to tell a great joke on stage between songs. "Nobody talks about the health benefits of cocaine......
by Stoned Cold Sativa Awesome
Well, the word is officially out—if you leave the house, you’re going to die.
Okay, maybe that’s a bit extreme, but as a "journalist," I feel that it is my duty to exaggerate claims with the goal of inducing anxiety and causing readers to panic. Thankfully, there’s a substance that can help with this whole hysteria and it’s called cannabis...
by CM Brown
I didn’t start with the clubs. Instead, I went back to the morgue.
As I headed downtown, a few stray leaves blew around like street kids hitting you up for change and cigarettes. I took a deep breath, before pulling open the medieval doors, saluting security and sending my keys and belt down that long perp walk through the x-ray machine.
I snapped on blue gloves, pulled on a face mask and got to looking. The bracelet was still there and was indeed made of bits of compressed carbon. I patted myself on the back...
by Andy Norris
Author’s note: for those reading this in the future, this story was submitted months before Hillary Clinton officially entered the presidential race.
My, oh my! Hillary Clinton—or HRC, Inc. as I like to call the Clinton brand—is the presidential nominee for the Democratic Party! Was this second "breaking of the glass ceiling" moment a magical, organic event in American history? Or, was the nomination of HRC, Inc. planned years ago, by the deep-state establishment members of the Democratic National Committee?...
by Ray McMillin
The rules surrounding appropriate behavior during this time of pandemic uncertainty are constantly changing. Thankfully, we are here to provide you with this list...
