Well, the word is officially out—if you leave the house, you’re going to die.
Okay, maybe that’s a bit extreme, but as a "journalist," I feel that it is my duty to exaggerate claims with the goal of inducing anxiety and causing readers to panic. Thankfully, there’s a substance that can help with this whole hysteria and it’s called cannabis.
I can’t front (mostly because I still owe my high school dealer fifty bucks) and I’m not gonna trim around the bush—4/20/20, an entire month that many of us had reserved for weed parties and outdoor gatherings, was pretty much canceled. Of course, there were a handful of awesome, smaller parties going on in the area, but most folks decided to quarantine themselves inside, to avoid being coughed on by death zombies. And, at the time of press, folks are still being discouraged from leaving their bunkers.
That’s where I come in—as someone who hates being around people when I’m not at work, here are a few ways that you can still enjoy cannabis in all of its glory, during this time of social distancing and folks really, really not wanting to share joints with each other.
I’m a single guy who just turned forty. This means, I’ve been burning pasta and under-cooking chicken for decades. Because I hate reading the manual and I don’t trust women, my culinary skills aren’t exactly up to par. However, once I finally figure out how to prepare something, I’m usually unstoppable (until you’ve had a bacon barbeque taco with dark chocolate drizzle, you haven’t lived). So, I see no better time to learn how to cook with cannabis.
Everyone should know about weed butter—simmer some tasty lard-salt cubes in a pan, dump in a ton of ground-up weed (stems and all), let sit until you forgot it was sitting, change the smoke alarm battery once you realize it’s dead and then strain the mixture via coffee filter, into a cup. Put this cup in the fridge. Forget about the cup until your youngest nephew asks you why the lime Jell-O tastes like "milk plant." Block your brother’s number and hope he doesn’t call the authorities. Let your nephew chill in front of SpongeBob for a few hours, until they stop laugh-crying. Drop your nephew off at the fire station. Start from square one and try again.
Aside from butter, other shit apparently works even better. Coconut oil, for instance, lasts much longer than anything you’ll find in a cow’s tit (plus, it will impress your vegan date...as long as you’re not using the coconut cannabis oil to marinate steak, which is also a good use of your kitchen). I’m not Italian, but if anyone out there is, can you please let me know how to incorporate olive oil into cannabis cooking? That would make me very happy. Basically, anything with low heat and fat solubility should produce ready-made cannabis spread, which you can put on anything from toast to popcorn.
The digital entertainment industry churns out more babies than a family of feral Mormons on ecstasy—from Mario to Zelda, Lara to Nathan and so on. This means that there’s at least a dozen games that you’ve missed in the last few months (at least), not to mention the hundreds that you missed last decade. Thanks to XBox Live and Playstation Plus, you can obtain last year’s eighty-dollar game for, like, six bucks. As a functioning adult, you’re not supposed to enjoy video games, let alone spend hours upon hours solving every puzzle in Shadow Of The Tomb Raider, until you isolate yourself from friends, family, magazine deadline week and everything else. But, when you’re inside "because health," well, you’re just doing the community a favor by soaking in this wonderfully written and shockingly beautiful game.
If you want to get really, really meta, check out Days Gone. Brushed under the rug due to being released after the whole "zombie apocalypse" theme became more played-out than "Old Town Road," this is a criminally underrated game, in which you play a member of the "Mongrels" M.C., in post-virus-outbreak Oregon. That’s right, instead of risking your health and others by visiting Crater Lake, Three-Fingered Jack or Shitty Small Town Gas Station in real life, you can just hop into Playstation land and experience Oregon for yourself—from the comfort and safety of your couch. While the game does include several real-life Oregon locations, it is a bit frustrating to note that the map has been swapped from east to west (this will fuck with you if you recognize the landmarks). But, you get to blow the heads off of infected California transplants with a shotgun, or as I call it, "getting ready for summer." Days Gone’s play style is a mix of Red Dead Redemption, Last Of Us and Resident Evil 4. Plus, the disease that caused the not-technically zombies in Days Gone was...wait for it...created in a lab by the government and covered up by blaming the transmission on animals. Trust me, you won’t want to leave the house after you play this. Plus, there’s no Kate Brown in the game to fuck everything up.
You know that thing you claim to do or be interested in, just to attract friends and romantic partners? Well, did you know that you can actually do that thing, now that your status as a shut-in is not only encouraged, but applauded?
Get high and get creative. I’m obviously a writer, but I have a box of photography equipment that’s collecting more dust than a Chinese Buffet, several unfinished web projects and a bunch of "art stuff" that my pagan ex-girlfriend threw at me during her move. I assume many of you are in the same boat. What better time than now, to actually put your creative skills to work?
Even if you hate art (which you should by my age), the best businesses are started during a depression, recession or other such shutdown. A booming economy just means that other assholes are trying to [open a dispensary, buy Bitcoin, start a brothel, etc.]. But, when folks are stabbing old ladies for hoarding rolls of toilet paper or not wearing a mask, that means you’ve got some breather room and time to get your Mom & Pop Death Metal Clothing Company off the ground.
By the way, I print shirts and masks, if you need any help starting your Mom & Pop Death Metal Clothing Company. Email my editor (Ray@Xmag.com) and he’ll pass on your info (sorry, but I owe too much in back child support to give out my own email in print).
