Since the advent of commercial cinema in the early 20th century, there have been many, many films which have come and gone over the years.
Some have been great and some have been awful, but this list subjects the film industry to an unusual criticism: the film’s title.
The title sells the movie—it is thought—and, throughout time, people have tried to give their flicks unorthodox, unusual or just plain bizarre names—regardless of content.
Without further ado, here is my personally selected list of the worst movie titles ever, in no particular order.
Turkey Marmalade (1924, silent)The title was, at the time, slang for a man’s ejaculate. This is also one of the many "lost films" of the era, so we may never know how much—or little—it had to do with that particular thing.
GLAND! The Man With The Giant Thyroid (1956, sci-fi)Starring John Agar as the titular man with the giant thyroid.
A Horse Called Man (1972, western)About a horse who wins the respect of some Native Americans and gets promoted to man status.
Mister Congeniality (2006, comedy/drama)Sandra Bullock has to dress in drag in order to catch a criminal, but nobody notices.
Stop! Or My Friend’s Mom Who More-Or-Less Raised Me Because My Parents Were Junkies Will Shoot (1993, action/comedy)Family is what you make of it and whom you shoot for it.
Love, Or Some Shit Like It (2004, romantic comedy)Searching for love or a reasonable facsimile thereof.
Dr. Wonderstein’s Magical Goat Farm (2009, fantasy)The eponymous doctor and his mystical "goats of amazement" show kids the true meaning of Xmas.
Legend Of The Mystical Saga 2: The Fable Of Myth (2011, adventure/animated)A group of talking rats and a singing cactus quest for some kind of an exalted book or something, which will save them from certain doom.
Bathing Suit Earwig Pandemonium! (1964, horror)One of many "beach party" pseudo-thrillers from the 1960s, which finds the attractive young women of Earwig Beach being tormented by over-sized insects, for some reason.
Nuns On The Pipe (1992, crime/comedy)Disguised as nuns, two out-of-work actors smoke crack in the back of a convent.
Honey, I Sold The Kids Into Slavery (1991, comedy)An inept-but-genius father mistakenly sells his children into slavery and must struggle to get them back.
Don’t Tell Mom, The Babysitter’s A Prostitute (1993, comedy)A group of teenagers are having a boring summer, overseen by a strict babysitter while their parents are abroad, only to later discover that the babysitter is actually a fun-loving hooker. Hilarity ensues, as they band together to fight a cruel neighborhood pimp.
Black Starship In The Galaxy Of The Funkotrons (1973, action/sci-fi)A black exploitation film centered around a starship crewed by African-Americans, who travel into deep space to kung fu fight aliens and play slap bass.
Earth Vs. The Space Proctologists (1958, sci-fi)A young Peter Graves leads a small town in a fight against invading aliens and their sinister desire to probe all life.
Sophomore Lesbian Mercy-Killing Squad (1986, horror/comedy)High school girls—initially intent on making out with one another at a sleepover—must fight zombies with garden tools in this low-budget, 1980s gore fest.
I Kinda Know What You Might Have Done Last Spring Break (1996, thriller)A group of friends find their numbers dwindling, after a masked killer decides to off them based on what he thought they got up to last year during spring break, despite not really knowing for sure.
Operation: Lion Catapult (1998, comedy/drama)A group of U.S. servicemen during the Somali Civil War must find a way to deliver a live lion—required for a local group’s leadership ritual—which they attempt using medieval siege weaponry.
Dude, What the Fuck? (2002, comedy)Boundaries get pushed by Ashton Kutcher, as he rallies to support a teenager getting bullied for having epilepsy.
Captain Underpants III: Tiger Stripes (1994, drama)The Captain must deal with the unpleasant realities of his preferred garments and his enjoyment of Taco Bell.
Robert E. Lee’s Wife Is A Squirter (1997, historical fiction)Kevin Costner stars as the man who is cuckolding famous Southern general Robert E. Lee, shortly before the tide of the war turns against them.
Attack Of The Fellatio Gnomes (1984, horror)When a species of short aliens who survive on human semen invade Earth, a group of wives must find out why their husbands are seemingly milked dry while they sleep.
Gimp 2: Gimped To Death (2003, action/adventure)The second and least-well-reviewed in the Gimp series, Gimp 2 revolves around the same tired, old cliches which kept the first one afloat. Lightning doesn’t strike twice here.
Surfin’ USSR: Surf For Stalin’s Gold (1989, drama/adventure)The sport/pastime of surfing hits the Soviet Union by storm, inspiring a group of guys from Chelyabinsk to head to the Caspian Sea, with no money and homemade surfboards, in search of legendary waves and possibly lost treasure hidden by Stalin himself.
Crunkenstein! (2009, horror drama)A mad scientist who attempts to sew bodies together and create a living being ends up accidentally reviving Lil’ Jon, who had been dead for a while in the scientist’s apartment after too much lean, but covered in enough body spray that nobody noticed for a minute.
So, there’s my list. Maybe you agree and maybe you don’t, but there it is. I even like some of these movies—but we are judging on title alone, so make of that what you will.
Do you have any suggestions that I overlooked? Twitter at me via @Wombstretcha503 and let me know what’s up.
Eat good food and have good fun.
Wombstretcha The Magnificent is a writer, horse puncher, pimp cup craftsman, larva enthusiast and retired rapper from Portland, OR. He can be found at Wombstretcha. com, on Twitter as @Wombstretcha503 and on Facebook (and MeWe, the no-jail Facebook) as "Wombstretcha The Magniflcent."
