A Guide To The NEW Drugs

by Johnny Bonghit

Sup, y’all. Johnny Bonghit here. That’s, uh, not my real name, but you know, I use it for writing and shit. Writing about drugs! April this year was 4/20 for a whole month or something, which was something like Drug Christmas...or more like Drugsgiving.

Why is 4/20 significant? Well, it’s not for being Hitler’s birthday. He liked drugs and stuff, but was otherwise not that cool of a guy. Nah, it’s because, at some point in time, like in the ’60s or something, the number "420" was a police code for "people getting high." At least, that’s what Brian told me in Junior English class like five years ago, and his uncle was a cop, so he probably heard that from the horse’s mouth. Anyhow, he was a cool guy and I trust him, because we used to go under the bleachers and burn one before gym class.

What was I saying though? Oh yeah! Drugs!!! Well, I, your humble author, have taken it upon myself to catalog nuggets(!) and tidbits of information on all the new drugs. 2020 is a different year. And yeah, we all still like to smoke dank nugs and do the occasional bump of blow, but the new stuff is different and bold—despite usually just being for the kids.

Ghost Milk

This is a powerful sedative, cut with some kind of household cleaners. It has a milky, opaque appearance. Drinking an ounce or two of this will put you into a stupor for like an hour or two, during which time it is perfectly acceptable to drool and watch some Spongebob.

Horse Ride

Some kind of pill, usually red or brown. It’s a weird sort of amphetamine laced with expired Benadryl. It’s called "horse ride," because the pills kind of smell like horse.

Robot Gasoline

This is like the old trick, where you squeeze Sterno™ through a sweat sock and drink the juice, but instead of just drinking the juice, you add it to some cough syrup with DXM (dextromethorphan) in it. It leaves you feeling like Rosie from The Jetsons for a number of hours, though with less ability to do housework well.

Anusaurus

A big, white pill that you cram up your cornhole. Why would you ever want to cram anything up your brown eye? Well, the high is like someone playing Pac-Man inside your brain, with only a slight feeling like something was crammed up your ass, after you come down. Popular with the kids, because nobody suspects. You could be sitting in math and nobody would know that there’s an 8-bit party going on in your head. Oh, unless that thing happens and you start saying "wakawakawaka" out loud.

Philly Special

A cigar rolled with nothing but stems and sold to the gullible for $5. Not that, uh, this ever happened to me or anything. Pro tip: don’t buy smoke from Carl in the army jacket, by the bus station.

Miracle Whip

It’s like regular cocaine, but it’s heavily stepped-on, with a little teeny bit of fenty added for zip. That tasty zip...of Miracle Whip.

Duke Pukem

It’s a mescaline derivative mixed with tequila (in case either one didn’t make you want to throw up enough). Popular with the frat boys and general spring break crowd. Warning: can lead to both thinking you can surf and trying to do so in a salad bowl.

Limousine

A clove cigarette that’s been dipped in CBD oil and vanilla extract. The perfect thing for when you have to take your annoying cousin Jeffrey to Chuck E. Cheese, because his parents can’t stand him, as he runs around, flails his limbs and bites people—even at home. Let the dancing rat amuse him while you stare at the ball pit. Such a sexy ball pit. Mmmm...

El Zappo

It’s basically like low-quality meth you can make in a locker out of diesel and frozen pot pies, but the added appeal comes from the fact that you snort the powder off a live 9-volt battery. Really gives it that electrical "kick."

Lizzo

A big, fat blunt rolled with shake, crushed Advil and a tiny bit of grape jelly. Good for those afternoons where you run out of real weed and are also considering trying to smoke a Pop-Tart. Not to be confused with the slang term for smoking hash out of a hollowed-out Hostess cupcake.

Pumpkin Spice

No, not your ex-girlfriend’s favorite vape flavor and not whiskey drank out of an Ugg boot. Real-deal pumpkin spice is cocaine laced with nutmeg. As we all know, raw nutmeg, ground and ingested, can cause mild hallucinations, so the pumpkin spice gets that shit right up in your brain with a quickness. Hooo!

So, that’s all the new stuff for 2020 that I know of...so far. So, if you hear about anyone gettin’ down with stuff on the list, be sure to throw your hand up and be like, "Yo, I’ll hit that too" and try to get up on it.

Take it easy and take it with a bong rip.

-Johnny B

Note: Johnny Bonghit does not advocate illegal activity.*

*like, wink-wink, nudge-nudge.