They say a bartender acts as a therapist. I decided to make it official. My only credentials are listening to hundreds upon hundreds of people’s problems over more years than I can admit. Let me wipe the bar down for you, put down a fresh coaster, then pour you a drink. Pull up your stool and tell me all about it. Remember, I’ve heard it all. If you have a question, please write DiscountTherapist@Yahoo.com. You will remain anonymous. Also, you get what you pay for.
So, two years ago, I talked to another woman, because I was always getting yelled at for drinking too much. I screwed up and I know I did—no physical contact, but I emotionally cheated. I know I screwed up. I’ve been pretty perfect, when it comes to talking to anyone else about what’s going on in our marriage. She’s going to therapy for her family’s past. I support that. But, it makes me nervous that they talk about me. Super lame, because I’m so insecure about it! She tells me I have no right to bitch, because I put her through the same thing. She’s not wrong. But, I’m trying to better myself every day and when she wants to go out with this friend I’ve never met. I ask for her to call me and tell me she’s okay. And, I get nothing except told that I put her through the same thing and have no right to question her. I used to go out with coworkers until about 8pm and show up fucked up. I was so stressed, that I had to literally pay $5,000 in bills after taxes—I couldn’t breathe. I am actually not worried about money anymore because of a promotion, but she met new friends and hangs out ’til 3am and doesn’t text, call or even let me know she is okay. I only asked for her to call when she needed a ride, no matter what time. She never calls or answers, and she says her phone is in her purse (which I actually believe). What do I do?
Dear Humble Husband,
We have a lot to unpack here. I, of course, don’t have the specifics of your marriage, and I also don’t have her side of the story, so I’ll do the best I can with the information that I have. An emotional affair is just as damaging—if not, sometimes more—than a physical one. It’s hard for your partner to seek out things from another person, when there were promises that it would only be the two of you. I’m sure your wife is hurt and doesn’t trust you as much as she used to, or perhaps at all, anymore. I gather that from the behavior you are describing. She feels like she can almost do whatever she wants, because that’s what she feels like you did. There are bonds that seem to have been broken here. Hopefully, you can build toward repairing them. Just know that, sometimes, they can’t be repaired.
That being said, she doesn’t get the right to punish you going forward. She’s either with you, ready to try to forgive and move forward, or she isn’t. She doesn’t have a free pass to hang out with people you don’t know, not tell you where she is and not answer her phone. This is not to say she can’t go and do what she wants. But, it’s scary when your partner doesn’t come home when expected. You worry about their safety and well-being. That’s natural. I’m not sure who this new friend is, but you also need to try to love her enough to know that she is choosing the right people to surround herself with, and let her go. If she’s cheating on you, you’ll see it. Worrying about it and trying to control it will do nothing. You have the right to set personal boundaries and so does she. Just because you made a mistake in this relationship doesn’t mean you have no rights or that you should pay for it to the end of days. Also, it sounds like she has a lot of feelings about what you did. Can you repair it? I hope, for the both of you, you can—if that’s what you both want.
So, you mentioned she’s in therapy. Why the hell are you not in couple’s therapy? EVERY person can benefit and a therapist can help you two navigate the murky waters of rebuilding a trust that was broken. Yes, she’s talking about you, but any therapist worth their salt isn’t going to be putting any ideas in anyone’s head or telling anyone what to do. Therapists turn a mirror onto an individual and help them see themselves (and their motivations) more clearly. They teach a person to cope, as well as give them tools. Your wife’s therapist isn’t going to whisper in her ear like Rasputin and I’m glad she’s going. Your ass should be in there, as well, with her, so she truly knows you want this to work.
You mentioned your drinking level and that it’s an issue in your relationship. That is a huge contention in many relationships and needs to be addressed. How often are you drinking? Do you feel like you become a different person when you drink? Do you fight when you drink? Do you black out? Do you get signs of the D.T. if you take a break from drinking? Things like the shakes or night sweats? If any of these questions made you think or take pause, you may need to make a life change. It’s hard to be a good partner if you’re self-medicating. Your partner is getting a carbon copy of you. Is your wife a drinker too? If so, you both might be fueling the fire.
Double standards are really difficult to accept, but almost every relationship ends up with at least a few. You are getting tested for your choices and past actions. All you can do is work on how you handle hers.
-DiscountTherapist
As a bisexual guy, with a girlfriend of 10+ years who knows that I’m bi, how do I/we find a suitable guy for both of us? Not looking for one-night stands. I’m rather straight acting for a bottom and prefer straight-acting guys that would need to be bi also, so that no one is left out.
Dear Bi Guy,
I am bisexual and it definitely isn’t a phase. It’s been an extremely long journey of acceptance and understanding of myself. Few understand bisexuality. People probably thought you were just hiding that you were "full on gay," am I right? Kudos to you, for owning that about you and living your life. Also, congratulations on finding an accepting partner. I have it a little easier as a female, but it’s still difficult. The men I’ve dated expected threesomes and felt insecure and the women I’ve dated thought I was gross for accepting penis. Making platonic female friends has been hard. I either have to closet, or deal with the fact that they think I’m looking at them in that way. I feel your pain. So, what you’re looking for is not impossible, but it will not be easy. Not because you aren’t desirable, but because you have something extremely specific in mind.
Have you ever gone to the store looking for that perfect pair of pants that you envisioned and ended up leaving with nothing? That’s sort of where you’re at. Have you tried the apps? I know they usually host a mixed bag of normal people and the crazies, but that could be a place to start. Your girlfriend and you can list exactly what you’re looking for and browse through applicants together. The technology! What a time to be alive! You could make a special night of it. You could get a hotel and play around. I know you say you’re not looking for "hook ups." I’m not saying you can’t find it, but I would say finding a third, monogamous partner is extremely unlikely. Especially one you both are in to and that you click with. If you both re-frame expectations, I think you’ll find something you’re looking for. We, in the gay community, call that looking for a unicorn. We all want that rare, certain thing that we can’t seem to find. I want you to find it. I really do.
P.S., if you happen to encounter a femme gal out there who likes other femme gals, likes to be topped and doesn’t mind that penis has been there too, please send her my way, because I have yet to find one.
-DiscountTherapist
