The history of human sexuality is littered with perversity. Unfortunately, most of it is overlooked or glossed over by your boring high school teacher in favor of whatever lame facts the current school curriculum requires. Who wants to know about the Civil War when the history of deviance is right there? No one, that’s who. I bet if I’d been taught this kinda stuff in class, I would have gotten better than a C-. The word dildo (from the Italian: diletto, meaning "delight" and the Latin: diatare, meaning "open wide") was invented around 1400, but phallic representations have been around far, far longer. One such curious item, a 7.8-inch stone dong, was discovered in Germany not more than a few years ago and dated back at least 28,000 years. Archaeologists aren’t sure if it was ever, well, used, but I can’t imagine spending all that time carving a detailed, generously-sized stone wang while fleeing from cave bears and foraging for scraps and not taking the time to use it.
Moving forward a bit, a number of curious sex toys like bronze strap-ons and jade butt plugs have been discovered in China, dating back to the Han dynasty. The butt plugs were "apparently" used on corpses to prevent—ah—leakage (or the loss of "vital essence," if you want to be nice), but I think we all know that’s not where it ended. The bronze dildos, however, were described by the scientists as "definitely made for use" and were attached with a leather or silk thong, though it’s not clear if these hollow metallic willies were meant to be worn by women, men, or both.
Fancy schmancy, China!
Not to be outdone, the Japanese invented the Ben Wa balls by 500 AD. Called Rin-no tama, the original balls were a hard, metal sphere containing mercury (that seems safe), the movement of which was said to lead to a more intense orgasm if inserted into—eh—wherever you felt like it. These "geisha balls" were rediscovered and introduced into Western culture around 250 years ago via the French because, of course, it was the French.
Quite the array of ancient Japanese sexual aides
The first time the use of a dildo was immortalized in imagery was, you guessed it, ancient Greece. Are we even a little surprised by this? Known as olisbos, these were ostensibly for the use of the lonely woman (sure...). I first mentioned olisbos a couple of months ago in my History for Hoes article, and they were made of—well, loaves of bread, but later were crafted of everything from leather to wood (splinters, much?), to stone.
Oh, Greece—you do you
Jumping into the relatively modern era, a recent discovery in Nantucket of a 150-year-old plaster dildo (along with letters, a shirt collar, a pipe, and a laudanum bottle) hidden in a chimney of a nice old woman named Connie Congdon highlighted a thus far little-discussed history of naughtiness in the US. Known as a "He’s-at-Home," these recreational devices could be used (along with prayer, knitting circles, and copious amounts of opium) to quell the bitter sadness of a wife, sometimes called a "Cape Horn Widow," who might be left alone for years as her husband was off whaling. Captain Ahab, a fictional antihero of Moby Dick, in speaking of his own wife, mentions, "Wife? Wife? Rather a widow with her husband alive!" Apparently presented as gifts from man to woman, I suppose it would be better to imagine your wife diddling herself with this than running around with some poxy tramp, regardless of what the reality was.
Another even more modern device of—ah—pleasure (???) is the Detwiller Pneumatic Vibrator. We’ve all seen the intimidating-looking "massagers" of the era, but this one surely takes the cake. Powered by a separate tank of compressed air (seems kind of bulky, but ok), it reportedly sounded like a ratchet. Add to that the array of grimace-inducing attachments, and I can’t imagine how this got beyond the prototype stage. Different strokes, different folks, I suppose.
That’s a "nope" from me
Incredibly, the Fleshlight wasn’t invented until the 1990s. I suppose for most people, the ol’ hairy palms are fine, but not for Steve Shubin, an ex-cop who was trying to have one last child with his wife. She ended up getting pregnant with twins, but at 40, this was a dangerous proposition for her. Steve was understandably frustrated by her doctor-ordered abstinence, but rather than being unfaithful, he decided to go full mad scientist in his garage and whip up the best possible substitute for human flesh, that would be durable and not give you like, gnarly rashes or anything. Eventually, the modern pocket pussy was born. Congrats, dudes—it only took 28,000 years longer to invent than the first dildo.
On researching this article, I’ve come to the conclusion that archaeologists and historians are usually fucking squares. Things that you and I might look at and say, "definitely a sex toy," these nerds say, "religious totem," "mortician’s tool," "massager," or "back scratcher." So, next time you pick up your favorite sexy accouterment, please take it to heart and remember these trail-blazing inventors for who and what they were and are. Heroes!
Esmeralda Rupp-Spangle is a big fan of off-color history and bizarre facts, but an even bigger fan of "personal massagers." She can be reached on Facebook as Esmeralda Marina and Instagram as @EsmeraldaSilentCitadel.
