This being the magazine that it is—one which you obtain and skim while waiting for the next dancer to do the next set at the venue of your choice—you have certain expectations. I’ve covered in the recent past such topics as historical naval battles and nostalgic recollections of food and drink from the 1990s, but those do not intrigue the genitals. I had read, at a time, a list of the top Pornhub searches by state, and they were astonishingly bland.
My idea, of course, is to dig deeper—to find less-popular search items which reveal the true character of each respective state. So, I’m getting out my shovel and looking at the 50th most popular porn search, which will ultimately tell us more than the eternal first place of "huh huh, lesbians" ever could. The taste of the masses is generic, but when you drill down, well, you find out what people are really made of. In this case, they’re made of perversity. So, buckle up, as we’re gonna get sticky.
States are listed in alphabetical order.
Alabama
Sexy kennel club—Because, you know, the kennel club is quite literally where you find all the hot bitches. It sounds more like a sitcom if you ask me.
Alaska
Chili doggin’—This...is an act wherein you fuck someone in the ass and they, accidentally or deliberately, shit on your wang. It’s very descriptive, to say nothing else.
Arizona
Snot bukkake—You just get a bunch of people to sneeze all over someone. They get covered in thick ropes of fluid, alright, just not the kind which is traditional. But why does Arizona like this? I couldn’t say, but it is a dry climate, so perhaps they covet the mucus.
Arkansas
Nude pie-eating contest—Not entirely sure what the fuck goes on in Arkansas, but it certainly sounds like they know how to party.
California
Crusty elbows—Ya know, I blame this on San Francisco. Whenever something weird comes up in California, it’s typically rooted in SF because that’s like a city full of tiny Caligulas...and human feces.
Colorado
The most foreskin—The most. Is this a fetish? A contest? We tryin’ to find a new way to tote around your pet hamster?
Connecticut
Ewok gangbang—Anyone who saw the director’s cut of the Star Wars Holiday Special knows the deal with this one. Not sure why it’s a CT thing, though.
Delaware
7-11 break room sex tape—There was an incident, which the whole tiny state knows about, and now they look it up relentlessly.
Florida
SHAQ—Yeah, Shaq. Because Shaq.
Georgia
Lice vagina—Uncertain if this is a thing or just people deep into life, who are searching for answers.
Hawaii
Walrus cosplay—Which, one cannot argue, is sexy as fuck.
Idaho
Hangnail sucking—Idaho, you’re wild. To be fair, their legitimate #1 search term for porn by women is My Little Pony, which is honestly creepier.
Illinois
Penis ping pong—Now, if you’ve never seen that clip, then go watch it now. I don’t know if the Illinoisans are jacking off to this or just find it fascinating, but one might conceivably do both.
Indiana
Knob that mom—Apparently, some kind of series wherein mothers are banged for purposes other than procreation, in the back of a rented vehicle.
Iowa
Ball hair grooming—I’ve been unable to determine if this is for hygiene tips or some kind of...erotic enactment, but I dunno; I’d watch that. So break out your ball comb, girl. Let’s get down.
Kansas
Penis in Arby’s® sandwich—You know, there’s a reason I don’t eat at Arby’s. Well...now there are two reasons, I suppose.
Kentucky
Noodle in anus—Now, note it’s not "noodles" (plural). Just one noodle. Why is it there? What can it possibly be doing? Can I masturbate to this? Questions require answers, and I shall seek them.
Louisiana
Midget sex in claw machine—Okay, watching two "little people" get busy while someone is trying to get a stuffed animal out of a claw machine might sound ridiculous, but this is actually a proof-of-concept that one can be laughing hysterically and still beat one’s meat.
Maine
Cankles—They like ’em thick in Maine. Thick in the ankle, that is.
Maryland
Hot dog in butt cheeks—Not to be confused with "chili doggin’," as mentioned earlier, this just involves some Oscar Meyer action atwixt the ol’ glutes. With French’s mustard and some relish, too.
Massachusetts
Dick in mop wringer—I honestly figured it’d be something to do with whaling, but I suppose it is the 21st century, and dicks in mop wringers are where it’s at. Interestingly, this is also the 50th most popular porn search in Thailand, as well.
Michigan
Naughty Christmas pageant—Well, it’s not like anyone forced you to dress up like a wise man and present gifts of cock and balls to sexy Mary. Unless you were in the same Boy Scout troop, I was.
Minnesota
Fish tank of cocks—You know, it’s amazing...when we look back on the history of CGI, we never knew a fish tank full of cocks would be on the agenda, but in Minnesota, they appreciate it, for real. At least...I hope that’s CGI.
Mississippi
Poop on the stairs—I believe this is more akin to a murder mystery. They don’t watch people poop on the stairs, but instead, they view the poop on the stairs and ponder on who might have done such a thing.
Missouri
The Sneaky Pete—Without standing on ceremony, this is slipping someone a pinky in the cornhole. Why the "show me" state is fond of this, I cannot even begin to speculate, but ya know...show ’em.
Montana
Erotic Godfather III—Now, this movie has been described as incredibly flawed and an unworthy successor to the previous films, but in Montana, once you recast and reshoot it as a porn film, you apparently have a host of cowboys and cowgirls who are all about it.
Nebraska
Gorilla milking—A process by which a man is given an aggressive handjob. Nothing at all to do with corn. I expected there to be something about corn.
Nevada
Shit tuba—Ah, the ol’ shit tuba. Oh, that almost makes a man nostalgic. Wait, what the fuck is that again? Oh...oh, no.
Oh, no, no, no.
New Hampshire
Nipple sweat—Girl, you got it goin’ on. Let’s see you do jazzercize and watch them bumpies ’round that nip get damp with perspiration.
New Jersey
Crotchless gym shorts—Hey, sometimes you wanna do squats and have a breeze on your gear, whether that gear be a rod and reel or a tackle box.
New Mexico
Andre the Giant’s grundle—I am not sure what goes on in New Mexico, but whatever they’re up to, I hope there’s a larger plan at work here.
New York
Dog pee sno-cones—New York...most of the state is actually comprised of real people who aren’t terrible, but they are all beholden to the whims of the soulless mass that is New York City. However, the relevance of this topic sounds like something from Jackass, combined with the Tide Pod eating thing from a few years back.
North Carolina
Live bee enema—I’d assume because of the abundance of apiarist culture in the state, but fuck me. I did a search and couldn’t find anything that delivered. Even if I had, I bet it’d just be someone jumping around and saying "OW!" a lot. Probably not sexy, but what do I know? Could be the best off I ever jacked.
North Dakota
Math homework—I think this is one of those things, like when the Amazon product survey hits some old person and they take the time to reply to it, and their answer is "I don’t know how to use computers, leave me alone," but for kids with math homework.
Ohio
Boglin handjob—Remember those silicone hand puppets from the 1980s? Well, someone else did, too, but they had more interesting ideas about how they were to be used.
Oklahoma
The even dirtier Sanchez—Much like its cousin, the regular dirty Sanchez, this one goes above and beyond. In addition to thumbing their butthole and giving someone a fecal mustache, this version also applies a goatee.
Oregon
Sasquatch MILFs—Okay, true story, I met sasquatch once, and he still needs to pay me back my five bucks, but I did not meet his hot mom. (Of note, everyone who lives in Oregon for more than ten years has seen sasquatch at least once and has possibly lent him money, which he fritters away on corn dogs, which are truly the greatest vice of our civilization.)
Pennsylvania
HUGE GUNT—In all caps for some reason. Not certain why Pennsylvanians are into the ’yuge gunt, but I am not here to pass judgment on the preferred size of gunts.
Rhode Island
Chinese jumping sex—it should be noted that there was, a few years after the 2000 movie "Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon," a pornographic version of that movie made. Wherein, yes, they jumped through the air and had "the sex," much like characters from the original film. Why this endures in Rhode Island is anyone’s guess.
South Carolina
Guy with four dicks—Alright, I’m about this. I wanna see the guy with four dicks fuck four ladies at once. Or...one lady four times.
South Dakota
BMX stunt hump—Now, recalling that the Dakotas are ten years behind the rest of the country, it is entirely possible that BMX is still popular and that people fuck while doing it.
Tennessee
Ass octopus—I speculated that this was some kind of sex toy. No, it is not. Where does a landlocked state find such a ready supply of octopuses? Wait...octopi? Octopodes? Also, do they really belong in the ass? Well, Tennesseein’ is Tennebelievin’.
Texas
Payless Shoe ® hidden cam—Unsure if Texans are into feet or just trying to spy on where the deals are for modestly-priced footwear.
Utah
Shaved Yogi Bear—Alright, I thought someone was playin’ with me, but the shaved Yogi Bear has little to do with the cartoon character and more with doing butt stuff. I am supposing that perhaps this exists because they’re Mormons or something, and thus, are contractually forbidden from typing "butt stuff" into a search bar.
Vermont
Tub thumping—Apparently in Vermont, when "tub thumping" is mentioned, it’s not to do with that dumb song by ’90s band Chumbawamba about being knocked down and getting up again... Instead, it is somehow more disturbing.
Virginia
Where are my keys—No, not just confused old people who are asking questions of a porn site like it were Google, but rather something that I can only describe as "full-arm fisting." Ask your doctor if full-arm fisting is right for you.
Washington
Felch Party USA—Yeah, I can see getting behind this if I lived in a state which contained a Puget Sound. World of Felchcraft, baby.
Washington DC
Grindr bloopers—"Oops, cock in your ass!"
West Virginia
Dog eating a used tampon—Yeah, we all know the video in question. Address to West Virginians: you better not be masturbating to this.
Wisconsin
Forced sneezing—You know, throwin’ pepper in a hoe’s face, so she clenches tighter. At least...that’s what I’ve been told is the point. Also, I was expecting something cheese-related. Maybe that’s merely higher on the list than number 50?
Wyoming
John Travolta’s scrotum—John Travolta isn’t even from Wyoming. He’s from Jersey. Why his ballsack merits 50th place on porn searches there is beyond me. Perhaps it is capacious and inspires the riverine windsurfers who live there?
And that’s all 50 states (and DC) and their The United States’ 50th Most Popular Porn Searches. Data courtesy of InterYank, the porn statistics company.
I’ve enjoyed learning what tickles people beyond the typical crude, tepid categories of modern, mainstream pornography, and I hope you have as well.
Until next time,
-Wombstretcha
Wombstretcha the Magnificent is a scrotum windsurfer, tub thumper, guy with four dicks, writer, and retired rapper from Portland, OR. He can be found at Wombstretcha.com, on Twitter as @Wombstretcha503 and on Facebook (boo!) and MeWe (yay!) as "Wombstretcha The Magniflcent."
