I enjoy updating you all on what occurred to me the previous month of you having your hands on this magazine article; it gives me a chance to let you all know what kind of person I am, which will then encapsulate most of the reasons I write what I do. I also really enjoy telling people how they could better their lives by listening to some of my sage advice. "Do as I say, not as I do" sort of thing—which is what brings us to this article at hand. I’d like to tell you all what happened and what I’ve learned this past month, and also give you some tips on how to stop being such a failure, because we all know you probably didn’t win the lottery, which doesn’t make you a winner, now, does it?
1. My dad fractured his femur—which caused me to stay in Roseburg for roughly two weeks with my dog, Bob, while I assisted in my father’s annoyance by telling him what to do. I learned that trying to tell a parent what to do, whether or not it’s actual medical advice, should not be attempted. It’s best to just let them break their leg again rather than have them give you the silent treatment for two weeks, remain angry, and with a healed leg.
2. My partner and I moved into our new place—it’s a duplex on the upper story of an old Victorian house. Our downstairs neighbor is from California, and no, I do not remember their name. I only remember a pair of nerdy glasses being pushed up their nose while they tried shaking my hand with the other while I was putting away trash. I learned that many from California do not know about gravity or that leaves actually fall from trees and aren’t magically cleaned up by the leaf fairy. Some from California may remain in this blissful ignorance of fall beauty not requiring clean up...until they meet me and I inform them otherwise. See? It’s fun telling people how to live their lives sometimes!
3. I fractured my ankle—and yeah, I don’t even know what happened here. And no, I don’t know why there had to be a subsequent fracture of my own right after my dad’s fracture—all in one month. I just wanted to go down the stairs! I learned that it takes a lot of arm muscle to propel your body up the stairs when you aren’t able to use your ankle and are instead crab-walking like a lunatic. I also learned that you can strain your shoulder doing this too much or improperly. The more ya’ know, I suppose. I also learned how to stare out the window more and practice looking morose to those around me (practice...ha). I also learned that when you are a younger person walking with a limp and a cane, people tend to move away from you. Take that information as you wish, but I plan on keeping this cane around for a bit...
4. I learned about Korean Jesus—and it’s changed my opinion on what the person you’re worshipping should look like. I’m just saying if your satanic overlord isn’t cutting it for you, physique-wise, and you aren’t certain they can actually hold up their end of the bargain—what with granting you wishes and beating up bad guys and such—come to the church of Korean Jesus, or I guess commonly called "New Heaven and New Earth"! You might not agree with everything discussed here or understand reasons for some things, but you can be assured in the knowledge that this Jesus knows a thing or two about body fitness, can probably carry a large amount of wood on his own, and be there to kick some non-believer ass.
Okay, now that we covered the few things that happened to me and what I learned from them this month, let’s get into how you can be a better person than this and stop failing miserably at things you are doing wrong.
7. Stop trying to control every situation you find yourself in when you’re invited to go have a good time. We all know that "being invited" to anything is usually not fun, let alone does it breed a good time. You’d rather just have had the thing happen without needing to plan in advance for it. Well, too bad. Sally’s having a WWE Party under the Burnside Bridge, and she asked you to bring the deviled eggs. Sure, this sounds questionable—at best—for an event, but just go with it. You’ll cause yourself fewer headaches in the long run if you just stop asking questions. Maybe consider your friendship with a person like Sally, also.
8. When you have the option between Taco Bell and that wonderful, older Hispanic family’s restaurant that is just across the street, do not choose Taco Bell. First, we all know what happens 28 minutes after eating Taco Bell, and second, giving family-owned businesses your patronage ends up being good for you short and long term because they generally tend to remember repeat customers (and we all know you’re a repeat customer of Taco Bell). They tend to give you an extra taco or bag of freshly made chips sometimes because you’re paying for their rent, and they don’t want the cash cow to stop flowing from your greasy, less failure-ridden pockets.
9. Do not put a raw egg in your bowl of hot Top Ramen, and expect the egg to magically turn into a restaurant-style egg. You’re doing two things wrong here: (1) you’re eating Top Ramen when the superior "at home" ramen-like-substance is obviously Chapagetti, and (2) you thought logic wouldn’t be necessary when making instant noodles (it usually isn’t), and thought the egg would perform magic. If you have to have an egg in your instant ramen, at least look up how to do it, or go buy some real ramen from a restaurant. It’s not that much money and tends to be two meals’ worth of food.
10. Stop sharing Facebook articles with your boss on your work chats. Unless your boss is paying you to do vital research on what article taught you the most, based solely on the title. Sharing an article with the URL "says-magic-mushrooms-made-him-more-productive" is probably not something you should be bringing up to Mr. Manager. Like I said...unless you’re cool like that with your boss, and your job doesn’t require you to save lives. Mine does not, and I am cool like that, so I do. But that’s also probably why I’ve never received a promotion in three years. Who knows? Maybe they just don’t like my eyes. Don’t take this chance, be smart, and make them like you—always. That’s where the money comes from.
So there you have it...four truths about me and four truths for you on how to make your life better than it is, and maybe assist you in not failing so hard. I hope you enjoyed this and took down some notes. But, who are we kidding, you are nowhere near a pen and paper, and you have no idea how to use the notes app on your phone. Just take the magazine.
Hannah One Cup can be found staring morosely at people while walking with a cane. Her ankle is healed. Thanks to KJ. Amen.
